It's Been a While, and So Much Has Changed...

Sometimes things do NOT work out the way we had originally planned. Sometimes you try for a long time hoping something will work better the next time and maybe just maybe it will be okay. That is what has kept me so busy and unable to update this blog for a while. I like to think you all have anxiously awaited my next post but my guess is you kinda forgot about me.
All of that is ok though because now I am back with the Making It Work Together Blog 2.0!



So much has changed but I feel my newest version of my family is the best it can be. I am no longer with the person who I started this journey with but that is alright. We have both moved on to better people for ourselves and couldn't be happier.

Now I live in a new little two bedroom house, with a tiny yard and the best guy a girl could ask for. We even have plans to eventually get a couple of pets, a cat and a dog. We have been through a lot in the last few years and not too long ago celebrated making it two years together. We made it through a major health scare, being on the verge of homelessness, and some crazy people who tested our ability to stand strong together.

 We made it and have come out on the other side stronger and more together in our short time than I ever felt in the years passed than with anyone else. I feel like this is the partner I want to have till the end of my time. We are strong, we make our decisions together and with little to no friction, sure we argue but it is not all that often, sometimes it is over silly things like a tone not meant for us but left over from a long day of stress or such. Together we make it work in ways I didn't think it would for someone coming into a life that included three children that were not his biologically.
He makes me so happy there as well. He is GREAT with the kids and misses them when they have to be at their father's house. (As do I terribly, but co-parenting is tough work) All I know is he is wonderful to have as part of the family!

Speaking of my wonderful little ones, so much growing has happened there! All three of them are moving up to new schools this fall and it makes me both proud and a little sad. My oldest will be starting high school, my daughter middle school and the youngest is starting kindergarten after already making me emotional with him starting preschool LAST fall! It is hard watching them get so independent. I loved being needed so much and now with the youngest doing full days at school the house is empty and quiet. Now while it leaves time for me to organize and unpack more of our stuff (as we really only moved a few weeks ago.) it also makes me sad to not have that little shadow that used to follow me around.
 In the past few years my little ones have learned so much and accomplished many many things. Spencer knows some sign language and knows more colors than I remember knowing at his age. Mckenzee has grown up into a beautiful preteen, who wants to be a chef, but whom I believe would be a great actress (a talent I feel she uses too often). Maybe she can be a BROADWAY CHEF and do a musical all about her journey to become a chef beginning at a young age. (I may have put a LITTLE bit of thought into the story line and song choices) Andrew is doing awesome as well, latest updates have him becoming quite the fisherman and loving spending his time outdoors from early in the morning til evening doing so. I love this because it means he isn't spending all his time planted in front of a video game wasting away a perfectly wonderful day!
I am so proud of all of them they make me smile constantly and I love them so much. They have really made getting through everything that has happened a lot easier knowing I am striving to make a life they can be happy with and that nurtures and helps them grow.

Now while my old dreams didn't pan out because they were just not meant to, I have found a way to dust myself off, redirect myself, and begin the path to a whole new set of dreams that make me happy just thinking about. For some people if this happens you may not have to abandon certain dreams, like me, for me I am still pursuing the writing and hoping that I finally come up with something that will make me proud to share. I think I have some ideas too so who knows that may come sooner than later with the support I have around me now cheering me on.

With all that has gone on I have grown, changed, and learned so much. I wake up each morning more hopeful than I ever have. I have dreams I can't wait to achieve and I KNOW I will! I am grateful for every person I have in my life that is supportive, caring and willing to be an active part of our lives! So while things have changed, I couldn't be happier and this is just the start of a new journey where our family is .... MAKING IT WORK, TOGETHER!

No I don't want to talk.....I want to create!

For so many years I would take my feelings and put them into works of art.
Sometimes a poem or a story,
Sometimes a painting or sketch, but lately it seems I cannot express myself ANYWHERE!

My drawings are without depth, my stories lack flow; I haven't attempted painting because I just do not want to ruin a canvas with something I am not 100% into.

I am figuring that it must be something to do with my heart just not being in it lately. It seems that I need to just step back and take a look at what I really need to do and let the small stuff just sweat away.  I am not sleeping well, I am constantly tossing and turning because I am worried about something or just having bad dreams about stuff I haven't had dreams about for years. I don't even want to eat lately, just drink water, tea, or whatever else I have to stay hydrated. I know I have to eat and I do but the thrill I used to have with cooking and create great meals is missing. Hopefully a good night's rest will help.

Maybe I just need a break, a vacation from adulting so I can have some fun. I don't know, all I know is I want to be able to express myself without fear, without regret, without ruining the "canvas".

I hope it comes back soon....I miss it! :)

Losing Myself

You ever have a few days where it seems like things are going great, like you are making all the right decisions, like the sun is shining just for you?

Yeah today is NOT one of those days. I am depressed, I have been for a while lately and I have been trying not to let it affect everything but it seems I have no choice in the matter. I am miserable out here. I miss my family, I miss my son, I miss my friends. I think the novelty of making the move and trying new things and trying to make it out here has worn off and I realized that at my age I just want the familiar and trying to make new friends and even take a moment for myself is too hard to do without people who know me.

I also worry that any day something could happen to my grandparents, my aunt or uncle, or some other family member and I won’t be able to get home to say goodbye in time. I would never forgive myself if that happened, especially if it was my grandparents or mother. Also what would I do if something serious happened to Andrew, that is my child, my first born, I couldn’t handle it if something awful happened to him and I couldn’t be with him.  I know DJ gets on my case about fighting for more time, for more of the summer at the least but he doesn’t seem to understand I would still have to say goodbye to him for a long time. I would still be without him through the holidays and his birthday. It would cost too much to fly him out here for the holidays (especially since rates are higher then). To pay $500+ dollars for the summer and then do it again in the winter with rates around $700 would mean spending $1200 just to see him for 6-10 weeks maybe total, if that. That would be $200 a week just to visit with my own child! It is not that it isn’t worth it, just that it is not something we can afford. I hate how much my heart breaks as he walks down to his plane and waves his goodbyes. I hate how I am left there crying alone for a child I love so much and I made the choice to move out here and now have to live without him for 11 months out of the year. It didn’t know it was going to be this hard. I at least thought I would not hurt as much after the first time but I was wrong. It seems to hurt more and more each time, like cutting scarred skin and making it bleed again, over and over. With him getting older it is harder to live without him. I want to be there to experience his life before he is too old to want me in it any more. I don’t think that is too much to ask. If it was DJ who was going through what I am going through I would do whatever he wanted to as long as it made him happy.  I moved out here for him, not for me, not for our kids, but for him. I left everything behind and thought it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. It is a very big deal and I want to go home. That doesn’t mean I want to go back into our old habits, or I want to live the same lives we had. I just want to be closer to my family, I want to be closer to my friends. I want to make our life where our kids will be able to know who their family is and if we can make it work out here, we can make it work anywhere.

I know he is mad at me for this. I know he may even resent me deep down, but I can’t do this anymore. I actually contemplated suicide the other night because I was so depressed and tired of hurting on the inside. It isn’t his fault, I understand that out here he feels free and proud of himself but I don’t, I feel lost and alone.

I wish he would understand, I wish he would just for a moment put himself in my shoes. I had a hard time saying goodbye, so hard that my heart broke into pieces when my mother hugged me. I held it together but still. I am the queen of not letting it show and doing my best to keep others happy and I just cannot do it anymore. I think it is slowly killing me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I want to go home, I DON’T want DJ to hate me.  I just want to stop the hurting. 

Feeling Like ...

I think there are a few things I have to do soon. Lately my head doesn't feel right and my body doesn't feel right. I am doing my best to ignore some of it but lately it is catching up with me. I think with everything I have been through the past few years I have never really grasped it all and felt it all the way I should. There is so much in my past that is haunting me and I know I have to find an outlet, a way to get it out of me and say goodbye to it all. I know that not all the hurt I feel will go away because things are not as ideal as I would like (Andy). I also know that it is not what holds me back in anyway. What holds me back is my regrets, my mistakes, my history and I need to move on for it. Otherwise it will eat me up from the inside out and that is not what makes my life any better. I know I have issues and I know that there are some things that I will never have (a father who cares) but I can't live with the feeling that I am not good enough from it, I cannot keep putting my self down and pushing myself because I will break some day if I keep it up.....that is all I have to say right now...guess I really just need a good (girl)friend to hang out with and here I don't have one...but maybe someday...

#BrokenDownMama