Wednesday, September 23, 2015

A Roller Coaster Month (and it is not over yet)

The month started off with me feeling a little sad about some things, one of them being that I was laid off from my job, turns out there just was not "enough work" for me to be on their payroll so they had to let me go, so one month before my one year mark at that job they terminated my employment.  It is making things a little harder on us financially and it makes me feel horrible.

To make ends meet a little better we sold the van. That helped pay some bills and caught us up a little bit. Made me a little bit sad though because I really liked the van, but when you need the money that is what you do.

Mckenzee started the third grade that same week! September 8 was her open house where she put away her school supplies in her desk and we met her teacher (then we went and got some ice cream).
On the 9th she started school and came home full of chatter about her first day! She LOVES school! She looked adorable too!

We also celebrated her 8th birthday this month! It is crazy how the time flies and how big she has gotten over the years, I remember when she was just a little thing dressed in little tiny dresses, no hair because it didn't grow in until she was over a year old.
Now she is a beautiful girl, who loves to sing, dance, go to Girl Scouts, make new friends, read. She works hard to draw and wants to learn how to make her handwriting "pretty like mommy's" as she put it. I am very proud of her.

The only other down I have is my health issues lately. I have had pain from some internal issues, a pulled muscle in my stomach, and a cold that seems to want to linger lately. I am hoping a trip to my doctor next week will give me the answers and treatment I am seeking. I kinda just want the doc to go ahead with the surgery and remove all the things that are causing my pain and issues. Hopefully he will.
That is really all I have to say for now because it is hard for me to concentrate with my pain and stuffiness. Hope you are all enjoying the first day of Autumn!

#MomMoments

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

School Supplies and Readiness

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I took a look at the calendar this morning and had the panic attack moment of realizing school starts in just four short weeks.  Thankfully some of her supplies from last year are in good shape and she can use them again this year, so that should save us some money. She also wants to use a bag my mother gave her as a school bag and that is more money saved.  It seems every year in school it is more and more money to spend on supplies, I think I need to find a way to get coupons or stock up over the year so that when school starts I have most of what she needs already saved up and read to pack in.  She is very excited to be starting the THIRD GRADE (though I wish time would slow down some). She will also be starting her last year as a Brownie in Girl Scouts (next year she will be a Junior) so she is super excited about that. When she went on vacation in CT/RI my mother sewed all her patches from this year on her vest and it looks awesome! All her family is very proud of her accomplishments in Scouting the last year! As am I! It is amazing all the new things she is willing to do now that she has been introduced to Girl Scouts, she has matured and done things she was once afraid to.

Her older brother starts the SIXTH GRADE soon and it drives me nuts to know that he is almost 11 years old already! How can so many years have gone by when it seems just yesterday I was teaching him how to walk and eat with a spoon?! Where does the time go.

Then there is Spencer! He is so smart and talks to well that unless he is upset I can understand just about everything he says.  I am thinking since he loves books and seems to have a knack for remembering things, I am going to start small and begin teaching him his letters/numbers/colors/and shapes so that he is more than ready when the time for him to start school comes about. (That day will be tough as I am pretty sure he is my last baby). I love to watch them grow but it drives me nuts that they seem to do it at a break-neck speed. I blink and suddenly they are all grown up and don't need me as much any more...it is a little heart-breaking but smile inducing.  WATCHING CHILDREN GROW IS AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER!

That is all for today, as I make the mad rush to Payless and Walmart to find all my last minute supplies I hope you are all doing the same and that I run into you soon! ;)

Monday, August 10, 2015

The Winds of Change

Well it is happening, we are going back to CT. My heart has been there since we left and it seems I couldn't be truly happy out here like I wanted to be. Mckenzee is happy about it, Spencer, well I don't think he has a clue, and DJ is the one disappointed in us wanting to go home.
He has worked so hard out here and tried to make us a life and I didn't make it easy on him. I know I probably could have tried harder but without Andy and without my friends and family I felt a little piece of my soul was missing.
I know it doesn't matter what I say because he is still not happy about it but I wish he knew that I WANTED our lives to work out here...I really did, but I am not happy. As much as I love him and all the things he has done for us it still doesn't take the ache of not being able to see my son everyday or any time I want, it doesn't give me my mom to go out to coffee with and to watch cheesy movies with my friends while we talk about our kids.

Now some may say I am selfish that if he is happy here then I should be happy because at least I am with him. Okay I understand that reasoning and if I had had a normal family filled life and didn't have a son I have to fly out here just to see once a year then maybe I would agree with you but that is not me.
I spent YEARS being alone, homeless, moving from city to city to find work, a place to sleep, someone who DIDN'T abuse me. I never got to have a great relationship with my mother until I was late into my 20s and it really just got good when I entered my 30s....I am now 34, and I miss my mother something terribly. I totally love the friends I have finally made so many years past the ones I made many years ago and lost track of or touch with until recently. For me it was just when things in my personal life were falling into place that I made the decision to leave it all behind for him and his decision. I had high hopes and I had no idea it would be so hard but should I continue to feel like I am hurt inside and truly missing out for this...maybe I should, maybe I AM selfish.
But this is what is happening...I am going home....I need to go home!

Friday, August 7, 2015

Spencer and Me

Ever since Miss Mckenzee has gone off to CT/RI to visit her family it has been just Spencer and me during the day while Daddy works. I have to say it has been quite a bit of fun. 

We have watched all kinds of old cartoons, fun movies, had some dance parties, built "super" castles with his Mega Blocks, played games and even played hide and seek a few times (he is not very good at it yet).

He is so smart and talks to much now that it amazes me all the time. When you hand something to him and he says "Thank you so much!" my heart melts. Just this morning he surprised me with a fishy kiss out of the blue. He just grabbed my face and kissed me! I loved it, it was so darn adorable! 

I am so happy about all the time we have had one on one and I am hoping to make sure I continue to carve out some time for him even when his sister returns because I don't want to miss any moments of fun!

Monday, August 3, 2015

Whirlwind Heart

So many emotions going on with me right now. 

Part of it could be that I am watching The Color Purple   which is one of those movies where you end up truly invested in the character, part of it could be the fact that two of my little ones are not here with me right now, or it could be that today is the nine year anniversary of my first date with DJ and I keep thinking about that night and how wonderful it was.

Only part of my emotions are sad. Forget the movie part because that is fleeting but my small sadness is because I miss the little ones so much. I have been able to have a lot more one on one with Spencer which is cool because he is growing up so fast and I hate missing any of it. He is so smart and funny I love him so much.

As anyone who reads along knows Andrew has returned to CT for his time with his father, as he does every summer. I always miss him, and this year his sister, my little Mckenzee, has gone to CT/RI for 10 days to visit family and spend some time at the beach! 

Mckenzee spent the first few days out there with my mom (her Memere) and they had a blast together. My mom told me they went to the Book Barn and visited the Princess Pond, had some BBQ and went to Hopeville Pond. My mom made sure that there were some awesome pictures of them all together were taken so I could see them all again! It was cool. 

Now Mckenzee is with DJs mom (her Gramma) spending time with his family (and Andy for a few days) at Misquamicut. She is there for the week and having lots of fun in the sun (hopefully while sun blocked). I have a feeling she is going to come back tanner than most people who live out here, and certainly more tan than me. She was already tanned when she got back from her weeks at camp. I am hoping she is doing a lot of swimming and having lots of fun. I am so worried about her and I miss her so much I am not used to having her gone this long. 


On the happier side, I have been able to get some writing done now that I have a goal and a writing buddy (THANK YOU KELLY) I am able to keep on track better now. I am also trying to get my art back on par but that is going rougher than I thought it would with the pain in my hands and my lack of inspiration lately.


 I am hoping in the long run I can get most of my book done within the year and some decent artwork that I am proud of. I think my heart will eventually give me something to work with. At least I hope it will. 

That is all for now, keep reading on. 

#MommysHeart


Thursday, July 30, 2015

No I don't want to talk.....I want to create!

For so many years I would take my feelings and put them into works of art.
Sometimes a poem or a story,
Sometimes a painting or sketch, but lately it seems I cannot express myself ANYWHERE!

My drawings are without depth, my stories lack flow; I haven't attempted painting because I just do not want to ruin a canvas with something I am not 100% into.

I am figuring that it must be something to do with my heart just not being in it lately. It seems that I need to just step back and take a look at what I really need to do and let the small stuff just sweat away.  I am not sleeping well, I am constantly tossing and turning because I am worried about something or just having bad dreams about stuff I haven't had dreams about for years. I don't even want to eat lately, just drink water, tea, or whatever else I have to stay hydrated. I know I have to eat and I do but the thrill I used to have with cooking and create great meals is missing. Hopefully a good night's rest will help.

Maybe I just need a break, a vacation from adulting so I can have some fun. I don't know, all I know is I want to be able to express myself without fear, without regret, without ruining the "canvas".

I hope it comes back soon....I miss it! :)

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Down to One...

Well today Miss Mckenzee is officially off to CT with her uncle and cousin to visit for 12 days! 

I am down to one child here with me now...it makes me a little sad. First Andy left to go back to his Dad's and I won't see him again until next summer, and now Zee is in CT for the next almost 2 weeks. So it is just me and Spencer when DJ is at work. It is going to be semi-quiet here. I say semi because Spencer is a ball of noise himself. I have to say grocery shopping and running errands will be a lot easier now since I only have to worry about him and he doesn't ask for much nor will he have anyone to argue or fight with. 

Zee & Memere 2010
Mckenzee will be spending the first few days with my mom, who is going to sew all the patches on her brownie vest and possibly take her to Gillette's Castle to visit the "Princess Pond" (as we named it) and "Kenzee's Frogs" as we named the statues outside the castle back when she was about 3 years old. 

Gillette's Castle 2010 
Princess Pond 2010
Mckenzee with HER frog lol  2010
She was so excited about her visit to CT that she was ready to go around noon today! Waiting was driving her nuts but they weren't due to be at the airport until around 7pm and their flight still didn't leave until around 9pm.  It was so funny to see her hopping all over the place itching to get going. I even made her suitcase easy for her to find stuff in because I organized all her outfits into little matched rolls in it. Each outfit is a top/bottom and underwear and some of them even her her bras and socks rolled into them as well so that they are all completed! I was surprised I was able to fit so much in there and now that I found out it is 12 days and not 10 days I am very glad I packed extra shirts, socks and bottoms! (Otherwise she may have run out!) 

Now I have tucked Spencer into bed, am going to lay down and get some rest before the little guy wakes up in the morning. Hope you all have a wonderful night!