So He's Gone....

Took a piece of me with him too. As he always does when I have to say goodbye!

 I think I did remarkably well though considering how I was feeling on the inside, I didn't truly "lose it" until he walked away and waved goodbye...Then the flood gates opened and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I missed him the second he was out of my sight and I even now still have a lump in my throat as I sit here. I am trying my best to just keep my head up and I know I will see him again in 11 months but that is just so damn far away! I swear anyone who wants to know what a broken heart feels like, have a child after several doctors told you you NEVER would, love that child with your entire existence on earth, then have the father of that child pay a kick-ass lawyer to basically keep that child away from you for most of his life...I certainly got the raw end of the deal from a man who HAD to have a paternity test because he refused to believe said child was his!!!!

Ugh, anyway like I said I am sitting here a little broken but willing to make the best of a horrid situation. I know that only a few years more have to pass before my son can make the decision himself to choose where he would rather live, and judging from the way he talks about his father and the way he acted when I made him call him so he wouldn't think I was holding him hostage, I am pretty sure he would rather be here...with his baby brother and sister and his mother who knows that being his best friend AND his mother has to be delicately and appropriately balanced.

Tomorrow I am going to upload all the pictures of the fun we had the last two days with him before he had to leave all the way up to him watching his plane pull into the airport for boarding...I am just too tired and too hollow right now to do it! I PROMISE I will be more chipper tomorrow, maybe not "Susie-Sunshine" but on the way there...Good night!

Thank you all my faithful readers!

#MamaACHES

A Little Me Time

A deep breath, slowly release, repeat...

The children are in bed, the house is at the least 85% clean, and I am sitting here listening to "The Big Bang Theory" play in the background as I sip a Mountain Dew. I have pretty much unpacked every box that can be unpacked or that needs to be unpacked with the exception of a couple in the kids room and I am feeling like we are finally settled in now. 

It has taken us about three weeks to fully get to where we are now and I am happy that we have finally gotten this far. Sure I am still a little bummed about the week coming up and the saddening event that happens on Tuesday but it is awesome knowing that this is just all ours! 

Once we finish decorating and getting our vacuum and organizing stuff and the things that we can use to hang the pictures and other things in our house I am going to take some pictures so you can see just how cute our apartment is! 

Honestly at this moment the fact that I only have 3 hours sleep in me, it took me about 15 minutes to get my paycheck this morning after working a longer shift than I was scheduled, getting stuck in parade/construction/lost oil rig guy traffic and then picking up a small gift for my Andy at Walmart before FINALLY heading home and NOT having time to nap....I am feeling relatively good, tired but good! 

I have a full list of things I am hoping to get done tomorrow as well as making a yummy dinner of fried chicken, corn-cakes, loaded scalloped potatoes and a veggie  of some kind! We have to get this place in order and looking good because we are having company on Monday after we take Andy to Gameworks to celebrate his birthday! We invited over some of his friends and DJs uncle (and his friends) to have some cake and ice cream with us as our first guests in the new apartment. We are looking forward to it and I am going to have to find some time tomorrow to bake up Andy's cake so it is all done before I go to work on Monday morning since we leave for Gameworks shortly after I get home from work. 

...and on that note I think it is time for me to log off, get into my jammies, grab my bottled water, find something fun to watch on TV and get comfy! So good night and sleep tight, or good morning depending on where you are when reading this! 

As always THANK YOU for being my faithful readers! 

#MeTime #NewKindOfHappy 

Four Days

It is only four days until my heart breaks a little and I pack up my Andy and send him back to his dad in Connecticut. He is going to be taking a little piece of my heart with him when he goes too because even though he can drive me bonkers and fights constantly with his sister, life is just not complete without him.

I hate that the justice system thought it was better that he stay behind and I only get him for one month....JUST ONE MONTH in the summer! I miss his birthday which is just a few weeks away (he turns ten), I miss Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, and Easter all because I wanted to pursue a better life for my family in another state. I really don't understand how they think that is fair in any way but there is nothing I can do about it right now....I lost the fight. A month just goes by way too fast! We spent most of it either having me work or packing/unpacking. There was no time, no money, just not enough of anything to make this the best I could....I just am not ready to let him go yet. (Not that I EVER am)

We have plans to celebrate his birthday/last day with us on Monday but because of all the last minute expenses we are unable to do exactly what we wanted. We are still hoping to do some of what we wanted but it is nothing like it could have been if things had been a little easier for us. I am still going to make the best of what I can and make him a yummy cake in his favorite flavors and colors! Hopefully I will be able to get him something as a gift but I don't know if I will be able to guess I have to wait and see how the bill paying goes.

In the long run I am just going to have to suck it up, send him back to CT and wait anxiously for next summer to come so I can hold him and kiss him and have him with me again. I am also doing my best to not let him know how much I am hurting because I don't want him to get upset but it is so hard. Guess I should be glad he can't see me at this moment because I can barely see what I am typing with the tears falling down my face....It is moments like these that make me wonder how any mother or father can give up a child or abandon or hurt one that they gave birth to...it hurts just to lose him for 11 months I couldn't imagine a lifetime....

I apologize for this being so sad and understand if you are upset now and I promise by next week to try and cheer up my posts but you are warned that any this week may be just as upsetting if not worse as his leaving nears and then arrives....I can't help it, I am a Mom and my baby is going away and I hurt.

Thank you for being a faithful reader and please leave a comment so I know someone out there understands or at least is reading :)

#MomsBrokenHeart

Choices...to do or not to do....

It is about five minutes before I turn off the glow of my laptop screen, hop in the shower and then head to bed falling asleep to the sounds of one of my favorite shows since my fiance works until midnight tonight. 

At work today I hurt my shoulder/neck when I lifted a large box of soy milk the wrong way and have spent the whole day having shooting pain and aches anytime I try to turn my head in any direction. I am hoping the hot water and some Tylenol will help it to feel better but I have to say it has hindered my ability to do the chores and other tasks I would have liked to have completed today. 

I skipped out on doing the dishes and folding laundry because I just could NOT move my arms the way I wanted. I did wash some laundry but that was mostly because I could pretty much do it all with my right arm.  (small smile for my moment of triumph) 

Anyways, I for some reason felt the need to write a little bit before heading into my nighttime routine. I am hoping to have a restful night in hopes that I can feel refreshed in the morning to whip out my chores and have enough time to relax a little and do something I WANT to do as opposed to HAVE to do. 

So I guess today is one of the days where I chose NOT to do....so tomorrow I will HAVE to do. :) 

.....and on that note.....

                                 Goodnight faithful readers! 

#MamaMoment

The Little Things

I have to say I have some pretty awesome kids. Yeah they drive me nuts on a daily basis and on occasion I want to lock myself in my room and watch something that isn't animated and doesn't have annoyingly catchy songs! But I have to say I think my life might be incomplete without them. 

Almost every day there is a moment that comes up where I think "awww I love them so damn much" for instance, today Spencer starting giving "Eskimo kisses"! He has seen his brother and sister giving them to us and apparently he wanted to as well. It was awesome! A few days ago Mckenzee was playing with her dolls when she came into the living room looking like this....

 She was "babysitting" for Andy and she was taking the baby for a walk and she had all the stuff she needed to take care of her. She was just so cute and made me laugh like crazy! Little did I know that at that time Andy was being silly as well. He was in their room doing his best to fit into two costumes that actually belong to his little baby brother. 

This was the end result.....

It was another moment that had me in a fit of giggles and thinking about how much I adore them! These are the moments I try to remember when they are fighting over who gets to sit in what chair or who gets to hold their little brother while they watch the movie!

These kids are my life and make it crazy, loud and as awesome as I could ever want it in a million years!

 So...even on those hectic, fight filled, crumb covered, toy scattered days.

I LOVE THEM SO DAMN MUCH! 

ALWAYS
     FOREVER............
To the MOON AND BACK!!!! 

Goodnight faithful readers! This Mama is heading to bed while they sleep because who knows when they will be up again :) 

A Whole New World!

So it is official...WE HAVE MOVED! We finally got out of that house that was holding us back and making us miserable. Now we have our own place, (about a half hour from work for me) but I am completely okay with that! We are so much happier, the kids are happier, and it is all a part of our growing up and moving up in life!

Andy has been here since the 29th of last month and it has had its ups and downs. He is AWESOME and I have missed him SOOOO much that even though he suffers from "only child syndrome" I still love him more and more every dang day! He is getting to be so big and in just a few weeks he turns 10!! WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?!
                                           

 I remember when he was just 3 years old and a tiny little boy just starting to grow big! He used to be so small and sweet and innocent and I am learning more and more just how much he has grown!!! He has grown into a smart, witty, goofball who steals my heart every time he says my name! I am going to be heartbroken when he leaves in just a little while and is gone for almost a year 3000 miles away! 

But now look he is all grown up with a little sister and a little brother to look after and be a role model for (sometimes not the best but he is young lol) 

I have also been employed for two full months and a really enjoying my job for the most part, there are those days when I feel like the least liked employee there and like they are just plain bitchy and clicky and not my cup of tea....but anyways, things are going good and I am pretty happy thus far! 

Hope you are all having an excellent summer and that you are finding things to be happy about!