It's My Body, Isn't It?

 

Amidst the current political shitstorm regarding reproductive rights for anyone with a uterus in the US. It appalls me to see how my own country has regressed in its laws and how divided we have all become. To avoid making this a political show, I want instead to discuss Body Image and what we have grown up with from family members and media.   

Let me start by saying I am a plus-sized gal. I have health issues because of this, but that isn't the point of this. The problem here is that I have a lot of shame. I underwent some trauma while growing up, and when it happened, I would go days without eating and then binge in both hunger and comfort, because it was pure trauma and depression that made me forget to eat or so sick to my stomach that the idea of eating revolted me. Because I was binging and hiding my binging from those around me, I gained a lot of weight. When this happened, both my grandmother (also a plus-sized woman) and my mother (another plus-sized woman) commented on it. My family and friends would constantly ask me, "Should you be wearing that with how heavy you are?" and "Don't go out in that, it doesn't cover you well." I was led to believe that if I was judged this much at home, I would get it 10x worse in public.

As a result, I avoided going out a lot, and when I did go out, I covered up as much of my skin as possible in the baggiest of clothes to avoid being noticed. I would either not eat or eat very little in front of people and hide and binge food in secret.  All this did, in the long run, was create an eating disorder and a few occasions for dressing like a total fool on the hottest of the Eastern US summer days, ( I am talking about layers and denim on days when it was around 100 degrees Fahrenheit. ) I did not make good choices for myself in that time and I now have things I am in therapy for that I am trying to overcome. I have a daughter and the last thing I want her to do it to hate her own body and do things to herself that could cause her harm. I want her to feel good about herself no matter what and to not focus on the outside of herself more than the inside of herself. Do I want her to be healthy, of course, but do I want to shame her into it, no! I want her to make healthy choices for herself and do it because it makes her feel good and makes her feel healthier. So instead of commenting on how her body looks in any way, I give her healthier options without pressuring her. We have implemented a rule in our house where we do not comment on anyone's body. We can complement an outfit, tattoo, haircut or color, or accessories, but we do not mention body parts. Now being someone who grew up scrutinized so much I do find myself occasionally commenting on how my teen could probably use a shower or maybe point out if something is a little short because of how I know the world might react to her and I hate that part of it. I try my best to not say a word unless she asks.

When it comes to how we teach our children something or how we treat them, we need to remember one small thing, "Just because  my parents or people in my past did it to me, that does not make it right to do it to someone else!" That includes shaming their bodies, commenting in negative ways that will slowly chip away at their self-worth, and making them feel like they need to hide how they feel in any way.  If you are worried about your own health or your children's health and think being more active or making better food choices will help you feel better by all means do just that. Find reasons to take the kids outside for a walk or hike and disguise it as a scavenger hunt or a race. When it comes to making food choices, involve the family, go shopping together for fresh vegetables and let them pick one, go through recipes for healthy meals and have them choose some to try. Make it fun!

Now, this is where I start to touch on the dangers and mental health worries I have seen come from Social Media. This is also the moment where you realize I am quite up there in age and I tell you that I was slightly luckier as a child and early teen because we didn't have a lot of social media or even much internet until I was getting into middle school. Even then though it was used mainly for sharing music, chatting (chat rooms were a scary place), and googling things. (Although I was big into using "Ask Jeeves" back then because it made me feel like an important superhero and I had someone who personally responded to my inquiries.) Looking things up was not the breeze it is now though. There was no Facebook or Instagram, we had Livejournal, Myspace, AOL, or Yahoo messenger. Most of the time you didn't know who anyone on the internet really looked like because we didn't really have the easiest of ways to upload our photos because our cell phones didn't have cameras yet.  I was not any safer or worse than it is now for children on there so I recommend the longer you can keep your kids off the internet by themselves, the better. Now how does this start to apply to the idea of a positive body image? I am going to throw a rule out for yourself especially if you grew up as I did. 

DELETE ANY SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT THAT MAKES
YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF! 

You don't have to be a part of anything that is not making you feel inspired or happy. This includes unfollowing people who may make you feel bad about your weight, clothes, eye color, or whatever. If it doesn't empower you or bring joy, get fucking rid of it. Please don't assume that because someone says they are body positive that that means they respect ALL bodies. And that is really what we want. We want to feel accepted. But what most of us forget is that we don't accept ourselves 90% of the time. We are constantly comparing ourselves to  Bridget on the internet with thousands of followers who is fit and curvy and constantly being showered with compliments and told how beautiful she is. (Apologies if your name is Bridget it was the first name that popped into my head as I am a big fan of the Bridget Jones movies and she makes me think about body image with how her mother makes comments) By the way if you have only ever seen the movies I highly suggest the books to you as they are so good!  I really need to find them again as I had left them behind when I moved across the country about 9+ years ago. Anyways back to the subject at hand. We really need to stop comparing our bodies to others as if we were all born from the same person and should all look the same. How utterly boring would that be? I know for a fact that I am not attracted to the same kind of person everyone else is, probably not even Miss Bridget. SO why would I ever want my ideal partner to look like theirs? It would make no sense. I know most of you have at least heard the phrase "Variety is the SPICE of life" that should apply to all things equally including people. We all come from different upbringings, ethnicities, cultures, and the like and there is no reason we should all be a size 2 with perfect curves and such. We need to teach ourselves and our offspring that having a body that is different is not a bad thing, it doesn't make us anything less than the magical beings we were born to be. 

A good phrase to repeat to yourself in times when you may not feel so magical or when you feel yourself feeling guilt or shame about how you look is 

"This is my body, it was made for me and only me, I choose how I feel in this body and no one can make me feel bad about it!" 

Now I am not saying this will change your life or how you think in the 5 seconds it takes to say it, but say it every day, post it on your bathroom mirror or anywhere you can see it always, and say it whenever you receive a negative comment about yourself from someone who literally does not live inside your skin, and eventually, you will believe it and feel it. It will change how you view yourself I am sure of it. 

Next, take care of your mental health when it comes to your body, and do things that make you feel good. Now I am not talking about basic needs like a shower or taking a break from things. I mean things that make you happy. For some of you that may be going out and shopping for those clothes, others told you was not right for you. Show them off, wear that shirt, or dress so you are comfortable, and show them how you shine differently when you accept yourself and your own magic. Take a 2-hour soak in a bath while listening to music or meditation and then take the next hour after that to make your skin feel good by getting an indulgent cream or oil and putting that on. If make-up is something you want to put on to make yourself feel good DO IT and show it off to those who appreciate you! Go out to a nice meal and have dessert because you want to and that slice of decadent cheesecake is calling out to you to try it. Don't shame yourself or guilt yourself into starving yourself if you slip out of a healthier lifestyle or work out to the point of exhaustion. None of those things are any good for your mind. The mind is where we start to feel the love for everything, including ourselves. 

When it comes to comments on the internet there is something that has always annoyed me and that is when you see someone on the internet talking negatively about themselves and then someone comments "you aren't (fill in the blank), you're beautiful"! This rubs me wrong because unless they have said they are ugly there is no reason to say that they are not whatever they may say because beauty shouldn't be based on whether they are fat or imperfect. Having fat and being beautiful or not opposites at all. I can have fat and be beautiful. I could also have no fat and be beautiful but the rarity of a fat-less person seems to be a superhero-type thing. everyone has some somewhere I am sure. I don't want to leave out the other side of the coin either folks, heavier people can be the same way, there is no reason to tell someone who may "feel fat" that they should eat a cheeseburger or gain some weight. You have no idea what kind of life that person has had and for all you know they are suffering from mental health or even physical health conditions that are causing them to either be or see themselves that way. Instead, maybe ask them how you can help them feel better. Maybe they need someone to talk to that will not judge them.  Be kind and an ally, with the way the US is torn apart people need allies and kindness more than ever for a plethora of reasons. It should be your first reaction instead of insults and hate. 

Honestly, if you take nothing else from this take with you the phrase 

"I choose to love my body, it is for me and me only." 

Repeat it daily until you believe it. And if you want to head out to the store in your pjs from the night before and a messy bun because you really want that ridiculously overpriced coffee drink from that chain of wonderful baristas then you do you darling because perfection is inside you and the outside doesn't change that. Be comfortable and put that first over the thoughts of others and their idea of what YOU should do.  

Screw You and Your Guns!

 

This is all I feel right now: sad and sick to my stomach. After reading article after article about the violence in various locations, it just breaks my heart how many innocent people are dying because of our government, our people, and our own stupidity. Due to pandemic fear, people avoided leaving home for fear of getting sick and having to miss work or school, or even risking health issues beyond their control. Our families were kept close to home for their medical safety while we adjusted to homeschooling. TV showed the violence of people fighting against injustices in our country and those who just did not wear masks, get vaccines, or had the common courtesy to stay away from others. In our battle for basic human rights, we fight for the freedom to live, love, and be who we are in our own minds. It is said that every heartbeat is precious and deserves a chance at life, and we fight to have rights to our own bodies. Yet here we are, the 26th day of the 5th month of 2022, mourning the deaths of so many innocent lives taken too soon for no reason at all, and our government still refuses to ensure the safety of these lives they claim are so precious! They try to blame mental illness and then make it difficult for people to get the help they need. To such an extent that they will not even allow women to own their own bodies, they make sure that a sprinkling of cells is brought into the world, but once it is here, they have no interest in it. Basically, our government is nothing more than an absent parent, a partner who walks away from the other when forced to take responsibility and deliver the child. This is the deadbeat parent who would much rather be out drinking and buying guns than raising responsible, thriving, happy children. It is our country and our government who are responsible for those children and adults whose lives were taken as much as the man-child who committed the atrocity. For those who do not believe that this is why we need better gun reform and stricter policies against owning one, they are just as responsible for those parents who woke up without their children, and for those children whose parents were murdered. F*** you and your FREEDOM! We as a people have no rights at all! We have nothing! Do you know how we stop fkn gun violence and school shootings? We take away the MTHRFKN guns! Take them ALL away, give them to the military, and that's it! Bring back swords! Let me see some punk ass teen boy head into a high school with a sword and see how many people die, bet it is way fewer. Give police tasers and mace and leave it at that! If they are too afraid to get shot at themselves then they shouldn't be allowed to have guns! I bet you any money we won't be hearing these horrific headlines anymore. NO GUNS=NO SCHOOL/NO GROCERY STORE/NO RANDOM SHOOTINGS! It is time to charge our government with child support, oh and they are going to have to pay for the help all those families now need to bury the people who died. Since all those government officials want to have their d**** so deep in the mothers of this country they should be helping take care of all the children we have!

Life Feels Different in 2022

 "Back to Normal....when will we be able to go BACK TO NORMAL?" I have heard so many people ask that question in this pandemic world we live in. 

I honestly think the answer to that question is very simple........NEVER! 

We will never be back to "normal" there is a new normal, a more chaotic version of life as we knew it. We have lost so much and gained so much at the same time. 

Many of us took up new hobbies and jobs when we lost the ones we had when the pandemic started. So, we have learned new things about ourselves and our ability to survive a change in our whole way of life. 

A lot of people are gone, passed away during this time, and many without their loved ones by their side. It has broken many and changed families in ways some people will never understand. 

Friendships were tested and some survived even the hardest of the time, but others did not and were broken up and lost. In a way, it is a good thing because you should keep people who build you up and are a positive and empowering gift, not ones that think it is ok to hurt those we love. Life can really change just the way it feels by the change in who you keep company with and share your life with. 

For me, the mother to three kids all at different stages of life, surviving the pandemic time and navigating a relationship, household, and the education of my children has been a severe test of my patience, my organization, and my multitasking abilities. 

I am a creature of habit and when this all started, having that habitual day schedule I had maintained for a while disrupted, well it kind of fucked with my mind and caused me to go into a bit of a panic mode. 

Now the time I took advantage of to clean and such around the house had to be spent making sure the kids were attending online virtual learning with several different teachers and printing out worksheets and making sure homework was turned in. 

Along the way, in the time I had for myself, I decided to really take stock of who I am and what I need in my life to be truly happy. I don't mean in the physical sense like trinkets and doodads that beep and such, but the qualities in my life and the hobbies that make me feel within my element. I had plenty of days that knocked the wind right out of me during the time when people I loved were lost along the way and I learned that life can change so quickly that you never really know how much time is left. So why the fuck not just do what adds joy to your life and find a way to make it work for you. See I am one of the lucky few who has a great support system to cheer me on and pick up the slack on the days I just cannot seem to pull it all on my own. 

I truly learned a lot about myself and who I am deep inside. I have learned to express my fears and my feelings whenever I needed help. I found ways to be more active and to really enjoy life.  I found my passions and started finding ways to ignite and keep the fires of my joy burning by incorporating them, into my life more and more each day. I have been learning so many new things like languages, artists, small business owners, and people who are like me and are working on both their physical and their spiritual journey through life be that however they so desire. 

All of this has changed me, has changed my family, has changed the entire world, and there is no NORMAL to our lives except whatever it is we do now and moving forward. Stop looking back, look forward, and make changes that will make you happy! Stop worrying about what is normal and know that however you are living your life IS NORMAL! 

As always, thanks for being here and reading my ramblings! Feel free to comment on something that changed in your life over the last few years.