It's My Body, Isn't It?

 

Amidst the current political shitstorm regarding reproductive rights for anyone with a uterus in the US. It appalls me to see how my own country has regressed in its laws and how divided we have all become. To avoid making this a political show, I want instead to discuss Body Image and what we have grown up with from family members and media.   

Let me start by saying I am a plus-sized gal. I have health issues because of this, but that isn't the point of this. The problem here is that I have a lot of shame. I underwent some trauma while growing up, and when it happened, I would go days without eating and then binge in both hunger and comfort, because it was pure trauma and depression that made me forget to eat or so sick to my stomach that the idea of eating revolted me. Because I was binging and hiding my binging from those around me, I gained a lot of weight. When this happened, both my grandmother (also a plus-sized woman) and my mother (another plus-sized woman) commented on it. My family and friends would constantly ask me, "Should you be wearing that with how heavy you are?" and "Don't go out in that, it doesn't cover you well." I was led to believe that if I was judged this much at home, I would get it 10x worse in public.

As a result, I avoided going out a lot, and when I did go out, I covered up as much of my skin as possible in the baggiest of clothes to avoid being noticed. I would either not eat or eat very little in front of people and hide and binge food in secret.  All this did, in the long run, was create an eating disorder and a few occasions for dressing like a total fool on the hottest of the Eastern US summer days, ( I am talking about layers and denim on days when it was around 100 degrees Fahrenheit. ) I did not make good choices for myself in that time and I now have things I am in therapy for that I am trying to overcome. I have a daughter and the last thing I want her to do it to hate her own body and do things to herself that could cause her harm. I want her to feel good about herself no matter what and to not focus on the outside of herself more than the inside of herself. Do I want her to be healthy, of course, but do I want to shame her into it, no! I want her to make healthy choices for herself and do it because it makes her feel good and makes her feel healthier. So instead of commenting on how her body looks in any way, I give her healthier options without pressuring her. We have implemented a rule in our house where we do not comment on anyone's body. We can complement an outfit, tattoo, haircut or color, or accessories, but we do not mention body parts. Now being someone who grew up scrutinized so much I do find myself occasionally commenting on how my teen could probably use a shower or maybe point out if something is a little short because of how I know the world might react to her and I hate that part of it. I try my best to not say a word unless she asks.

When it comes to how we teach our children something or how we treat them, we need to remember one small thing, "Just because  my parents or people in my past did it to me, that does not make it right to do it to someone else!" That includes shaming their bodies, commenting in negative ways that will slowly chip away at their self-worth, and making them feel like they need to hide how they feel in any way.  If you are worried about your own health or your children's health and think being more active or making better food choices will help you feel better by all means do just that. Find reasons to take the kids outside for a walk or hike and disguise it as a scavenger hunt or a race. When it comes to making food choices, involve the family, go shopping together for fresh vegetables and let them pick one, go through recipes for healthy meals and have them choose some to try. Make it fun!

Now, this is where I start to touch on the dangers and mental health worries I have seen come from Social Media. This is also the moment where you realize I am quite up there in age and I tell you that I was slightly luckier as a child and early teen because we didn't have a lot of social media or even much internet until I was getting into middle school. Even then though it was used mainly for sharing music, chatting (chat rooms were a scary place), and googling things. (Although I was big into using "Ask Jeeves" back then because it made me feel like an important superhero and I had someone who personally responded to my inquiries.) Looking things up was not the breeze it is now though. There was no Facebook or Instagram, we had Livejournal, Myspace, AOL, or Yahoo messenger. Most of the time you didn't know who anyone on the internet really looked like because we didn't really have the easiest of ways to upload our photos because our cell phones didn't have cameras yet.  I was not any safer or worse than it is now for children on there so I recommend the longer you can keep your kids off the internet by themselves, the better. Now how does this start to apply to the idea of a positive body image? I am going to throw a rule out for yourself especially if you grew up as I did. 

DELETE ANY SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT THAT MAKES
YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF! 

You don't have to be a part of anything that is not making you feel inspired or happy. This includes unfollowing people who may make you feel bad about your weight, clothes, eye color, or whatever. If it doesn't empower you or bring joy, get fucking rid of it. Please don't assume that because someone says they are body positive that that means they respect ALL bodies. And that is really what we want. We want to feel accepted. But what most of us forget is that we don't accept ourselves 90% of the time. We are constantly comparing ourselves to  Bridget on the internet with thousands of followers who is fit and curvy and constantly being showered with compliments and told how beautiful she is. (Apologies if your name is Bridget it was the first name that popped into my head as I am a big fan of the Bridget Jones movies and she makes me think about body image with how her mother makes comments) By the way if you have only ever seen the movies I highly suggest the books to you as they are so good!  I really need to find them again as I had left them behind when I moved across the country about 9+ years ago. Anyways back to the subject at hand. We really need to stop comparing our bodies to others as if we were all born from the same person and should all look the same. How utterly boring would that be? I know for a fact that I am not attracted to the same kind of person everyone else is, probably not even Miss Bridget. SO why would I ever want my ideal partner to look like theirs? It would make no sense. I know most of you have at least heard the phrase "Variety is the SPICE of life" that should apply to all things equally including people. We all come from different upbringings, ethnicities, cultures, and the like and there is no reason we should all be a size 2 with perfect curves and such. We need to teach ourselves and our offspring that having a body that is different is not a bad thing, it doesn't make us anything less than the magical beings we were born to be. 

A good phrase to repeat to yourself in times when you may not feel so magical or when you feel yourself feeling guilt or shame about how you look is 

"This is my body, it was made for me and only me, I choose how I feel in this body and no one can make me feel bad about it!" 

Now I am not saying this will change your life or how you think in the 5 seconds it takes to say it, but say it every day, post it on your bathroom mirror or anywhere you can see it always, and say it whenever you receive a negative comment about yourself from someone who literally does not live inside your skin, and eventually, you will believe it and feel it. It will change how you view yourself I am sure of it. 

Next, take care of your mental health when it comes to your body, and do things that make you feel good. Now I am not talking about basic needs like a shower or taking a break from things. I mean things that make you happy. For some of you that may be going out and shopping for those clothes, others told you was not right for you. Show them off, wear that shirt, or dress so you are comfortable, and show them how you shine differently when you accept yourself and your own magic. Take a 2-hour soak in a bath while listening to music or meditation and then take the next hour after that to make your skin feel good by getting an indulgent cream or oil and putting that on. If make-up is something you want to put on to make yourself feel good DO IT and show it off to those who appreciate you! Go out to a nice meal and have dessert because you want to and that slice of decadent cheesecake is calling out to you to try it. Don't shame yourself or guilt yourself into starving yourself if you slip out of a healthier lifestyle or work out to the point of exhaustion. None of those things are any good for your mind. The mind is where we start to feel the love for everything, including ourselves. 

When it comes to comments on the internet there is something that has always annoyed me and that is when you see someone on the internet talking negatively about themselves and then someone comments "you aren't (fill in the blank), you're beautiful"! This rubs me wrong because unless they have said they are ugly there is no reason to say that they are not whatever they may say because beauty shouldn't be based on whether they are fat or imperfect. Having fat and being beautiful or not opposites at all. I can have fat and be beautiful. I could also have no fat and be beautiful but the rarity of a fat-less person seems to be a superhero-type thing. everyone has some somewhere I am sure. I don't want to leave out the other side of the coin either folks, heavier people can be the same way, there is no reason to tell someone who may "feel fat" that they should eat a cheeseburger or gain some weight. You have no idea what kind of life that person has had and for all you know they are suffering from mental health or even physical health conditions that are causing them to either be or see themselves that way. Instead, maybe ask them how you can help them feel better. Maybe they need someone to talk to that will not judge them.  Be kind and an ally, with the way the US is torn apart people need allies and kindness more than ever for a plethora of reasons. It should be your first reaction instead of insults and hate. 

Honestly, if you take nothing else from this take with you the phrase 

"I choose to love my body, it is for me and me only." 

Repeat it daily until you believe it. And if you want to head out to the store in your pjs from the night before and a messy bun because you really want that ridiculously overpriced coffee drink from that chain of wonderful baristas then you do you darling because perfection is inside you and the outside doesn't change that. Be comfortable and put that first over the thoughts of others and their idea of what YOU should do.