No I don't want to talk.....I want to create!

For so many years I would take my feelings and put them into works of art.
Sometimes a poem or a story,
Sometimes a painting or sketch, but lately it seems I cannot express myself ANYWHERE!

My drawings are without depth, my stories lack flow; I haven't attempted painting because I just do not want to ruin a canvas with something I am not 100% into.

I am figuring that it must be something to do with my heart just not being in it lately. It seems that I need to just step back and take a look at what I really need to do and let the small stuff just sweat away.  I am not sleeping well, I am constantly tossing and turning because I am worried about something or just having bad dreams about stuff I haven't had dreams about for years. I don't even want to eat lately, just drink water, tea, or whatever else I have to stay hydrated. I know I have to eat and I do but the thrill I used to have with cooking and create great meals is missing. Hopefully a good night's rest will help.

Maybe I just need a break, a vacation from adulting so I can have some fun. I don't know, all I know is I want to be able to express myself without fear, without regret, without ruining the "canvas".

I hope it comes back soon....I miss it! :)

Down to One...

Well today Miss Mckenzee is officially off to CT with her uncle and cousin to visit for 12 days! 

I am down to one child here with me now...it makes me a little sad. First Andy left to go back to his Dad's and I won't see him again until next summer, and now Zee is in CT for the next almost 2 weeks. So it is just me and Spencer when DJ is at work. It is going to be semi-quiet here. I say semi because Spencer is a ball of noise himself. I have to say grocery shopping and running errands will be a lot easier now since I only have to worry about him and he doesn't ask for much nor will he have anyone to argue or fight with. 

Zee & Memere 2010

Mckenzee will be spending the first few days with my mom, who is going to sew all the patches on her brownie vest and possibly take her to Gillette's Castle to visit the "Princess Pond" (as we named it) and "Kenzee's Frogs" as we named the statues outside the castle back when she was about 3 years old. 

Gillette's Castle 2010 

Princess Pond 2010

Mckenzee with HER frog lol  2010

She was so excited about her visit to CT that she was ready to go around noon today! Waiting was driving her nuts but they weren't due to be at the airport until around 7pm and their flight still didn't leave until around 9pm.  It was so funny to see her hopping all over the place itching to get going. I even made her suitcase easy for her to find stuff in because I organized all her outfits into little matched rolls in it. Each outfit is a top/bottom and underwear and some of them even her her bras and socks rolled into them as well so that they are all completed! I was surprised I was able to fit so much in there and now that I found out it is 12 days and not 10 days I am very glad I packed extra shirts, socks and bottoms! (Otherwise she may have run out!) 

Now I have tucked Spencer into bed, am going to lay down and get some rest before the little guy wakes up in the morning. Hope you all have a wonderful night! 

Losing Myself

You ever have a few days where it seems like things are going great, like you are making all the right decisions, like the sun is shining just for you?

Yeah today is NOT one of those days. I am depressed, I have been for a while lately and I have been trying not to let it affect everything but it seems I have no choice in the matter. I am miserable out here. I miss my family, I miss my son, I miss my friends. I think the novelty of making the move and trying new things and trying to make it out here has worn off and I realized that at my age I just want the familiar and trying to make new friends and even take a moment for myself is too hard to do without people who know me.

I also worry that any day something could happen to my grandparents, my aunt or uncle, or some other family member and I won’t be able to get home to say goodbye in time. I would never forgive myself if that happened, especially if it was my grandparents or mother. Also what would I do if something serious happened to Andrew, that is my child, my first born, I couldn’t handle it if something awful happened to him and I couldn’t be with him.  I know DJ gets on my case about fighting for more time, for more of the summer at the least but he doesn’t seem to understand I would still have to say goodbye to him for a long time. I would still be without him through the holidays and his birthday. It would cost too much to fly him out here for the holidays (especially since rates are higher then). To pay $500+ dollars for the summer and then do it again in the winter with rates around $700 would mean spending $1200 just to see him for 6-10 weeks maybe total, if that. That would be $200 a week just to visit with my own child! It is not that it isn’t worth it, just that it is not something we can afford. I hate how much my heart breaks as he walks down to his plane and waves his goodbyes. I hate how I am left there crying alone for a child I love so much and I made the choice to move out here and now have to live without him for 11 months out of the year. It didn’t know it was going to be this hard. I at least thought I would not hurt as much after the first time but I was wrong. It seems to hurt more and more each time, like cutting scarred skin and making it bleed again, over and over. With him getting older it is harder to live without him. I want to be there to experience his life before he is too old to want me in it any more. I don’t think that is too much to ask. If it was DJ who was going through what I am going through I would do whatever he wanted to as long as it made him happy.  I moved out here for him, not for me, not for our kids, but for him. I left everything behind and thought it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. It is a very big deal and I want to go home. That doesn’t mean I want to go back into our old habits, or I want to live the same lives we had. I just want to be closer to my family, I want to be closer to my friends. I want to make our life where our kids will be able to know who their family is and if we can make it work out here, we can make it work anywhere.

I know he is mad at me for this. I know he may even resent me deep down, but I can’t do this anymore. I actually contemplated suicide the other night because I was so depressed and tired of hurting on the inside. It isn’t his fault, I understand that out here he feels free and proud of himself but I don’t, I feel lost and alone.

I wish he would understand, I wish he would just for a moment put himself in my shoes. I had a hard time saying goodbye, so hard that my heart broke into pieces when my mother hugged me. I held it together but still. I am the queen of not letting it show and doing my best to keep others happy and I just cannot do it anymore. I think it is slowly killing me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I want to go home, I DON’T want DJ to hate me.  I just want to stop the hurting. 

Firsts in hair and life!

There were two new firsts this week. After 7+ years of my little girl having long locks, we have officially cut them all off and given her a cut very much like her favorite celebrity Anne Hathaway. It was a necessary thing that was tough to do but we couldn't be happier with the results! We figure that since it is summer anyway it will be much cooler to have the shorter hair and she won't have to worry about putting it up or brushing out the massive tangles her wavy thick hair has a tendency to get. She looks incredibly adorable with her new Pixie cut, which also works for the other new thing she experiencing this week.

On Monday she left for her first time ever week at St. Albans Girl Scout Camp. She was super excited and nervous to be attending camp with some of her favorite girl scout friends! She had so much fun shopping for and labeling all her supplies for camp. We made sure we had it all packed up and crossed off the list so that she had everything she needed. Her Memere even sent some money to help pick up the sleeping bag and some socks to go with her.

She even wanted Snuggles to go along for the ride which was cute and made me smile.
When she went to camp she was put in the Pixie group at camp (just like her haircut-see perfect) and I thought that was great because one of her favorite Disney characters happens to be a pixie! Tinkerbell! So how totally perfect was that!?!

I wrote her a letter yesterday, I don't know if she will get it before the end of the week but I tried. I meant to do it earlier but it was so stressful thinking about this week coming up and knowing that Andrews leaves in just five days from today.

We can't wait to see her on Friday at the Family Picnic/Pick Up and I am hoping to be able to get her a camping patch since they are not too much to buy. It will be great to add to her vest before she takes it to CT to show her Memere, who is very excited to see all the things she has done and patched she has earned! It is so crazy that she gets home from camp on Friday, Andrew leaves Monday, She leaves again on Wednesday night, and then is gone for ten days! I miss her face! Though I am sure she will be back to drive me nuts before I know it!

That is it for all the first lately. Hope you are having a fantastic Summer!

Making It Together (Andrew and Mama Day)

Today was another "started like any other" day. Breakfast, dressed, chores, etc. Then DJ headed off to work and me and the kids went about our day. Now lately I have been having a lot of trouble staying asleep and have averaged maybe 3-4 hours a night of actual rest, so I have a bit of a short fuse as well as lingering headaches and fatigue. (I plan to address this issue with my doctor when I see him next week, if I can make it that long). So my days I wake up and hope beyond hope that the kids will keep the rivalries to a minimum. Today has been pretty good in that regard. Mckenzee made lunch for her and Spencer (some peanut butter and banana sandwiches) then once he went down for his nap she headed outside to play with her friends. Andrew stayed inside with me because he wanted to do a project. 

Turns out his project was his version of a Titanic replica made out of cardboard recyclables I had around the house and my glue gun! 
He is really good at figuring out how to make the items look like his favorite famous ship! 

He worked on it for about two hours, cutting, folding, gluing and taping until he had a pretty good start to the Titanic. Tomorrow we plan to do a little more work on it and hopefully even get to the point of painting it as well. (There will be finished pictures posted in the post I have after he finishes it). Here is what it looks like right now with the work he put into it today. 
I am very excited to see how it will turn out in the end, I am very proud that he came up with this all on his own. I love that he is so into the history of such a famous part of this world's past. 

Andrew and I also made corn chowder tonight for dinner, which happens to be a family favorite.

 Here is how you can make it at home yourself:

1/2 cup butter
One medium onion, chopped
4-5 large potatoes chopped into bite size pieces (this feeds 5 people, you can use more potatoes if you want to feed more people) 
One 12 oz can Evaporated Milk 
One 14 oz can Cream Corn
One 14 oz Kernel Corn (drained)
Salt & Pepper (to taste) 

In a large pot saute onions in butter until translucent and soft, add in chopped potatoes and toss with butter and onions. Cover potatoes in water (just until covered) and cook over medium heat until tender. Add can of milk and cans of corn and return to low simmer cooking until heated through. 
Serve and Enjoy! 

((My kids love this meal and it is a great meatless dinner night recipe however I do know some like to add bite size cooked chicken as an alternative.))

So today everything we did was home made and done just me and him. Tomorrow Mckenzee and I will do somethings together just her and Mama! I love when days work out like this. 

Now we are ending our night with some Harry Potter, watermelon, popcorn, and some cuddles. (Mckenzee will be attending camp come the 19th and it is Harry Potter themed so we are getting her prepped up for it) 

Hope you all have a wonderful night! 

Holiday Weekend Family Fun

Today is Monday and another wonderful week is ahead for the world. The festivities of the weekend still linger on the lawns of those who celebrated with their sparklers and personal fireworks and in my home the only remnants of the weekend are the memories and fun that we had as well as some fun pictures. 
While we did not participate in outside activities due to my recovery, the heat and Spencer being a cranky handful for part of the day we still had a pretty good 4th of July! 

The day started out like any other with the kids ready to greet the day a little sooner than I wish they would on a weekend. (They tend to get up with the sun.) Mckenzee proved just how mature she is getting and just how great it is that she pushes herself to accomplish things with her Scouting because she got up and made scrambled eggs and toast for her and her brothers! I was so surprised and impressed! She was very proud of herself too because as she said "I didn't get ANY shells in my eggs Mama!" A wonderful feat for my 7 year old love! 

Andy's little bit of color

Before

I decided that morning that I would also cut and color my hair. Now to anyone who ever cuts their own hair you know how difficult it can be to cut it straight and good on the back since you can't see it well but after several tries and a few too many inches off it was finally a good looking cut length and I was ready to color it. This is what it looked like before I colored it and finished getting it to an even length. (see picture on the left) Andrew decided he wanted color in his hair too but I didn't want to over do it and I wasn't 100% comfortable with the color I was using going in his hair but being a mom who wants to let the kids try new things I put a little in his hair after I put the majority of it in mine (since I WAS doing my WHOLE head in the color) This is how his turned out. (See ^) Mine ended up being more red than I had anticipated, but I figure I can get the color I really wanted NEXT time (another 6 months or so from now) I do like the way mine looks though so I have no real complaints. (See right -->) 

We wanted to go somewhere or do something with the kids, but with it being so warm and me still not feeling 100% we didn't want to overdo it. Plus we really didn't have much money to go to the places where everyone else seemed to be flocking to. Since we did have a little bit of money to use we decided to take the kids to Shari's for some pie shakes! (They take a piece of their fresh made pies and blend it into some ice cream to make and awesome shake!) They had so many flavors to choose from too, Andrew chose Chocolate Silk, Mckenzee and DJ had Peanut butter chocolate, Spencer had a kids ice cream sundae, and I had their Montana Cherry Pie shake. They were so yummy and a perfect cool down treat to have with the family out and about! 

We finished the night with out cookout of yummy chicken, hot dogs, burgers, potato salad, beans, DJ's special recipe Cole slaw, and chips! It was delicious and we were all very full! We watched Independence Day while the kids played and did their reading for the night. Then the kids then had some Popsicle while we watched the televised fireworks from around the states and they danced with each other to the music. After putting them to bed the neighbors seemed to think it was a good time (10pm) to start setting of some fireworks of their own so DJ took them outside to enjoy them since sleep was out of the question. They went on for quite a while (and the garbage was left out all over the parking lot which I was NOT happy about) but the kids were happy so I was happy! So like a said, all in all a pretty good day! Sunday we just spent hanging out, cleaning up the house while DJ did the grocery shopping, and then had an early turn in night. 

Today we just are recovering from the fun of the weekend and are all a little run down, so after doing the quick chores and some laundry it has mostly been a chill out day. Which I think we all needed as I haven't really had one since leaving the hospital. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend and made some fun memories! From my family to yours! Have a wonderful week! 

Heat Wave Awesomeness

It seems that in this wonderful state we moved to that I had loved the weather in for the last two years is doing its best to make me miss Autumn and Winter! Living up on the third floor during what has been said is the "Highest Temps since 1885" is making me a little cranky.

However I chose today to be the day where I refuse to even attempt to yell at the kids for anything. I am resting! I haven't really done that well since getting out of the hospital but I really needed to today. So amidst the heat and sweat I have done a whole lot of nothing except delegate and stir some Mac & Cheese.

Even the kids have been cooperative therefore I have let them kinda do what they want today. I gave them fair warning about two hours ago that I would be asking them to do some chores and told them that no matter what they were doing that as soon as I said "Okay kids time to clean up" they would put down their toys and help without any "Just one more minute"s or "Oh Mom, do I have to"s.  The best part, I did it and they listened! I didn't have to repeat myself or anything and they did exactly what I asked them to! I was shocked but didn't let them know how over excited they made me. (I didn't want to jinx it).

Right now as I type this I look around the room and one child is reading, once is playing a game on their tablet, and the third is sitting at the coffee table with some toys using his imagination to play. Though the TV is on they are barely watching it and as to not risk it being inappropriate programming I have Netflix on playing a show called Life that shows how (in this particular episode anyway) the creatures of the sea survive. With actual undersea video and moments caught it occasionally catches one of their attentions and it interests me so I feel like it is a small Mommy win, especially when they ask me questions about what is going on and it inspires my son to talk about one of his favorite subjects, the TITANIC! It seems he is a huge fan of all the things he can learn and knows about that famous ship and its demise! I am very proud that he can have a conversation with me about it and tells me all the things he knows including about the maker of the ship and who made decisions about it and EVERYTHING! I am even grinning now as I type away here enjoying the semi-quiet, non-fighting, easy to breathe in moment the children have allowed me.

I just felt like sharing this little bit. On this hot day, where it seems I just cannot get cool. Hope you are all enjoying your Friday and have big plans this weekend!

Family Update, with all its bumps and such.

I realize it has been a while since I have updated and if you lived in my house you would be shocked that I can even find anytime to write anything EVER! 

My kiddos keep me so busy and so stressed lately that I sometimes just wish they had little mute buttons or shut down switches like the little robot girl from Small Wonder (a show I watched in the 80's) so I can have a moment to sit, breathe, maybe enjoy some tea or something. 

There has been some new things happening lately. 
First ANDY IS HERE! He got here on the 22nd of June and it has been an adventure to say the least. He is a lot different than he was last year. I have missed so much and it seems like he is growing up WAY faster than he should be. It makes me a little sad because I remember when he used to be kind and his favorite movie was Meet the Robinsons and he wanted to be an architect. Now I ask him his favorite movie and he shrugs, I ask him what he wants to be and he says "I don't know", now he does things to his siblings just to make them yell or cry and he thinks it is funny. What happened to my little boy?! What do I do now? Can I get him back or is this just the beginning of losing what he used to be to what his father has let him become? It just completely hurts my heart. 

Another tidbit of info, I recently had to have surgery. Nothing really huge just the same thing I had done a few years ago only this time they put in an IUD as well so I won't be having anymore babies any time soon. There does seem to be a little difference in my recovery this time though. This time I am in more pain that last time, this time they gave me a breathing tube and now my throat is killing me. I cannot yell, much to my children's happiness I am sure (probably to DJs as well) and even when I talk my voice will drop out. My bleeding post op was not as heavy but due to me being a stubborn ass I am bleeding more today than I was when I first got out. I am guessing I am not doing to well with the whole "take it easy" advice via the doctors. I am trying to do better. Hopefully tomorrow I can be a little smarter. I just have so much on my mind, there are some things I am working out with my stress and it just seems like there are never enough hours in the day. 

Lately I have been trying to find a connection spiritually as well and some days I don't know if I have found it yet. I have so many years of being turned away from accepting my faith. So many years ago I was involved with my spirituality. I was in the church choir, I was made a youth pastor, I was someone that comforted others in their time of need and celebrated with them as they wed or found their place in the spirit. Now I feel lost, like I maybe waited to long to try to find myself again. I just don't know. I just want to be happy, I want my children to be happy, I want my fiance to be happy. I just don't know how to make everyone happy. Maybe I can't maybe that is the big picture but I am trying everyday to at least get a little closer to making the people in my life proud of me. 

Speaking of proud though, I am of my little girl! She just finished her first year of Girl Scouts last month. At the bridging ceremony she was able to recite her promise and received 27 new badges and 3 pins to add to her Brownie vest! She was so excited and it was a great night. She cannot wait for the next season to start up and she is working on earning some badges over the summer. She is also super excited to be going to camp for the first time ever (and it is overnight) during a week of Harry Potter themes and lots of Girl Scout like activities. I cannot believe how old she is already and how fast she has grown. 

Time seems to fly these days, Andrew turns 11 next month, Mckenzee 8 the following month and before I know it Spencer will be 3!

I am feeling a little emotional right now, and in some pain that I should really try laying down and relaxing now but I felt the need to write this down and let you all in again since it has been so long!

I will write more soon!