Losing Myself

You ever have a few days where it seems like things are going great, like you are making all the right decisions, like the sun is shining just for you?

Yeah today is NOT one of those days. I am depressed, I have been for a while lately and I have been trying not to let it affect everything but it seems I have no choice in the matter. I am miserable out here. I miss my family, I miss my son, I miss my friends. I think the novelty of making the move and trying new things and trying to make it out here has worn off and I realized that at my age I just want the familiar and trying to make new friends and even take a moment for myself is too hard to do without people who know me.

I also worry that any day something could happen to my grandparents, my aunt or uncle, or some other family member and I won’t be able to get home to say goodbye in time. I would never forgive myself if that happened, especially if it was my grandparents or mother. Also what would I do if something serious happened to Andrew, that is my child, my first born, I couldn’t handle it if something awful happened to him and I couldn’t be with him.  I know DJ gets on my case about fighting for more time, for more of the summer at the least but he doesn’t seem to understand I would still have to say goodbye to him for a long time. I would still be without him through the holidays and his birthday. It would cost too much to fly him out here for the holidays (especially since rates are higher then). To pay $500+ dollars for the summer and then do it again in the winter with rates around $700 would mean spending $1200 just to see him for 6-10 weeks maybe total, if that. That would be $200 a week just to visit with my own child! It is not that it isn’t worth it, just that it is not something we can afford. I hate how much my heart breaks as he walks down to his plane and waves his goodbyes. I hate how I am left there crying alone for a child I love so much and I made the choice to move out here and now have to live without him for 11 months out of the year. It didn’t know it was going to be this hard. I at least thought I would not hurt as much after the first time but I was wrong. It seems to hurt more and more each time, like cutting scarred skin and making it bleed again, over and over. With him getting older it is harder to live without him. I want to be there to experience his life before he is too old to want me in it any more. I don’t think that is too much to ask. If it was DJ who was going through what I am going through I would do whatever he wanted to as long as it made him happy.  I moved out here for him, not for me, not for our kids, but for him. I left everything behind and thought it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. It is a very big deal and I want to go home. That doesn’t mean I want to go back into our old habits, or I want to live the same lives we had. I just want to be closer to my family, I want to be closer to my friends. I want to make our life where our kids will be able to know who their family is and if we can make it work out here, we can make it work anywhere.

I know he is mad at me for this. I know he may even resent me deep down, but I can’t do this anymore. I actually contemplated suicide the other night because I was so depressed and tired of hurting on the inside. It isn’t his fault, I understand that out here he feels free and proud of himself but I don’t, I feel lost and alone.

I wish he would understand, I wish he would just for a moment put himself in my shoes. I had a hard time saying goodbye, so hard that my heart broke into pieces when my mother hugged me. I held it together but still. I am the queen of not letting it show and doing my best to keep others happy and I just cannot do it anymore. I think it is slowly killing me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I want to go home, I DON’T want DJ to hate me.  I just want to stop the hurting.