So He's Gone....

Took a piece of me with him too. As he always does when I have to say goodbye!

 I think I did remarkably well though considering how I was feeling on the inside, I didn't truly "lose it" until he walked away and waved goodbye...Then the flood gates opened and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I missed him the second he was out of my sight and I even now still have a lump in my throat as I sit here. I am trying my best to just keep my head up and I know I will see him again in 11 months but that is just so damn far away! I swear anyone who wants to know what a broken heart feels like, have a child after several doctors told you you NEVER would, love that child with your entire existence on earth, then have the father of that child pay a kick-ass lawyer to basically keep that child away from you for most of his life...I certainly got the raw end of the deal from a man who HAD to have a paternity test because he refused to believe said child was his!!!!

Ugh, anyway like I said I am sitting here a little broken but willing to make the best of a horrid situation. I know that only a few years more have to pass before my son can make the decision himself to choose where he would rather live, and judging from the way he talks about his father and the way he acted when I made him call him so he wouldn't think I was holding him hostage, I am pretty sure he would rather be here...with his baby brother and sister and his mother who knows that being his best friend AND his mother has to be delicately and appropriately balanced.

Tomorrow I am going to upload all the pictures of the fun we had the last two days with him before he had to leave all the way up to him watching his plane pull into the airport for boarding...I am just too tired and too hollow right now to do it! I PROMISE I will be more chipper tomorrow, maybe not "Susie-Sunshine" but on the way there...Good night!

Thank you all my faithful readers!

#MamaACHES

A Little Me Time

A deep breath, slowly release, repeat...

The children are in bed, the house is at the least 85% clean, and I am sitting here listening to "The Big Bang Theory" play in the background as I sip a Mountain Dew. I have pretty much unpacked every box that can be unpacked or that needs to be unpacked with the exception of a couple in the kids room and I am feeling like we are finally settled in now. 

It has taken us about three weeks to fully get to where we are now and I am happy that we have finally gotten this far. Sure I am still a little bummed about the week coming up and the saddening event that happens on Tuesday but it is awesome knowing that this is just all ours! 

Once we finish decorating and getting our vacuum and organizing stuff and the things that we can use to hang the pictures and other things in our house I am going to take some pictures so you can see just how cute our apartment is! 

Honestly at this moment the fact that I only have 3 hours sleep in me, it took me about 15 minutes to get my paycheck this morning after working a longer shift than I was scheduled, getting stuck in parade/construction/lost oil rig guy traffic and then picking up a small gift for my Andy at Walmart before FINALLY heading home and NOT having time to nap....I am feeling relatively good, tired but good! 

I have a full list of things I am hoping to get done tomorrow as well as making a yummy dinner of fried chicken, corn-cakes, loaded scalloped potatoes and a veggie  of some kind! We have to get this place in order and looking good because we are having company on Monday after we take Andy to Gameworks to celebrate his birthday! We invited over some of his friends and DJs uncle (and his friends) to have some cake and ice cream with us as our first guests in the new apartment. We are looking forward to it and I am going to have to find some time tomorrow to bake up Andy's cake so it is all done before I go to work on Monday morning since we leave for Gameworks shortly after I get home from work. 

...and on that note I think it is time for me to log off, get into my jammies, grab my bottled water, find something fun to watch on TV and get comfy! So good night and sleep tight, or good morning depending on where you are when reading this! 

As always THANK YOU for being my faithful readers! 

#MeTime #NewKindOfHappy 

Four Days

It is only four days until my heart breaks a little and I pack up my Andy and send him back to his dad in Connecticut. He is going to be taking a little piece of my heart with him when he goes too because even though he can drive me bonkers and fights constantly with his sister, life is just not complete without him.

I hate that the justice system thought it was better that he stay behind and I only get him for one month....JUST ONE MONTH in the summer! I miss his birthday which is just a few weeks away (he turns ten), I miss Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, and Easter all because I wanted to pursue a better life for my family in another state. I really don't understand how they think that is fair in any way but there is nothing I can do about it right now....I lost the fight. A month just goes by way too fast! We spent most of it either having me work or packing/unpacking. There was no time, no money, just not enough of anything to make this the best I could....I just am not ready to let him go yet. (Not that I EVER am)

We have plans to celebrate his birthday/last day with us on Monday but because of all the last minute expenses we are unable to do exactly what we wanted. We are still hoping to do some of what we wanted but it is nothing like it could have been if things had been a little easier for us. I am still going to make the best of what I can and make him a yummy cake in his favorite flavors and colors! Hopefully I will be able to get him something as a gift but I don't know if I will be able to guess I have to wait and see how the bill paying goes.

In the long run I am just going to have to suck it up, send him back to CT and wait anxiously for next summer to come so I can hold him and kiss him and have him with me again. I am also doing my best to not let him know how much I am hurting because I don't want him to get upset but it is so hard. Guess I should be glad he can't see me at this moment because I can barely see what I am typing with the tears falling down my face....It is moments like these that make me wonder how any mother or father can give up a child or abandon or hurt one that they gave birth to...it hurts just to lose him for 11 months I couldn't imagine a lifetime....

I apologize for this being so sad and understand if you are upset now and I promise by next week to try and cheer up my posts but you are warned that any this week may be just as upsetting if not worse as his leaving nears and then arrives....I can't help it, I am a Mom and my baby is going away and I hurt.

Thank you for being a faithful reader and please leave a comment so I know someone out there understands or at least is reading :)

#MomsBrokenHeart

Choices...to do or not to do....

It is about five minutes before I turn off the glow of my laptop screen, hop in the shower and then head to bed falling asleep to the sounds of one of my favorite shows since my fiance works until midnight tonight. 

At work today I hurt my shoulder/neck when I lifted a large box of soy milk the wrong way and have spent the whole day having shooting pain and aches anytime I try to turn my head in any direction. I am hoping the hot water and some Tylenol will help it to feel better but I have to say it has hindered my ability to do the chores and other tasks I would have liked to have completed today. 

I skipped out on doing the dishes and folding laundry because I just could NOT move my arms the way I wanted. I did wash some laundry but that was mostly because I could pretty much do it all with my right arm.  (small smile for my moment of triumph) 

Anyways, I for some reason felt the need to write a little bit before heading into my nighttime routine. I am hoping to have a restful night in hopes that I can feel refreshed in the morning to whip out my chores and have enough time to relax a little and do something I WANT to do as opposed to HAVE to do. 

So I guess today is one of the days where I chose NOT to do....so tomorrow I will HAVE to do. :) 

.....and on that note.....

                                 Goodnight faithful readers! 

#MamaMoment

The Little Things

I have to say I have some pretty awesome kids. Yeah they drive me nuts on a daily basis and on occasion I want to lock myself in my room and watch something that isn't animated and doesn't have annoyingly catchy songs! But I have to say I think my life might be incomplete without them. 

Almost every day there is a moment that comes up where I think "awww I love them so damn much" for instance, today Spencer starting giving "Eskimo kisses"! He has seen his brother and sister giving them to us and apparently he wanted to as well. It was awesome! A few days ago Mckenzee was playing with her dolls when she came into the living room looking like this....

 She was "babysitting" for Andy and she was taking the baby for a walk and she had all the stuff she needed to take care of her. She was just so cute and made me laugh like crazy! Little did I know that at that time Andy was being silly as well. He was in their room doing his best to fit into two costumes that actually belong to his little baby brother. 

This was the end result.....

It was another moment that had me in a fit of giggles and thinking about how much I adore them! These are the moments I try to remember when they are fighting over who gets to sit in what chair or who gets to hold their little brother while they watch the movie!

These kids are my life and make it crazy, loud and as awesome as I could ever want it in a million years!

 So...even on those hectic, fight filled, crumb covered, toy scattered days.

I LOVE THEM SO DAMN MUCH! 

ALWAYS
     FOREVER............
To the MOON AND BACK!!!! 

Goodnight faithful readers! This Mama is heading to bed while they sleep because who knows when they will be up again :) 

A Whole New World!

So it is official...WE HAVE MOVED! We finally got out of that house that was holding us back and making us miserable. Now we have our own place, (about a half hour from work for me) but I am completely okay with that! We are so much happier, the kids are happier, and it is all a part of our growing up and moving up in life!

Andy has been here since the 29th of last month and it has had its ups and downs. He is AWESOME and I have missed him SOOOO much that even though he suffers from "only child syndrome" I still love him more and more every dang day! He is getting to be so big and in just a few weeks he turns 10!! WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?!
                                           

 I remember when he was just 3 years old and a tiny little boy just starting to grow big! He used to be so small and sweet and innocent and I am learning more and more just how much he has grown!!! He has grown into a smart, witty, goofball who steals my heart every time he says my name! I am going to be heartbroken when he leaves in just a little while and is gone for almost a year 3000 miles away! 

But now look he is all grown up with a little sister and a little brother to look after and be a role model for (sometimes not the best but he is young lol) 

I have also been employed for two full months and a really enjoying my job for the most part, there are those days when I feel like the least liked employee there and like they are just plain bitchy and clicky and not my cup of tea....but anyways, things are going good and I am pretty happy thus far! 

Hope you are all having an excellent summer and that you are finding things to be happy about! 

The Big Changes in Our Life

So much has changed in the last four months of my life. I am no longer a full time stay at home mom. I now have a job, it is only a part time job for now but it is fast paced and quick moving and even though the hours make me a little sleepy during the day (3am-8am) I love it! I am glad that I can finally contribute to our home and make a difference in our lives! Plus my hours for the most part work with DJs hours so I am able to take care of the kids when he goes to work and he does the same for me! It has been working since I started on the 16th of last month. The only downside to it is that we no longer qualify for low-income housing, which is just plain stupid because we are still a low-income family! Ugh! But it is just a big WHATEVER because we are going to push on and keep chugging along in our little train of life!
Another big YAY is that Andy gets here in about 4 days now! He arrives on the 29th and stays until the 29th of next month! Its only a month right now which sucks but I have to make the most of it because living without him for 11 months through the holidays and such nearly kills me! I miss him so damn much! Hopefully we will be able to do some fun stuff while he was here, I know we have some game cards for GAMEWORKS and we can probably have some picnics and park trips, perhaps even have a chance to go to Wild Waves if we are lucky!

Anyways I just can't wait to see what the summer brings, whether we move or not and with Andy here is it sure to be full of adventure!

#changes #family #summer

Been a While, Been VERY BUSY!

So here is a quick list of what I have done lately:

Started a new fitness/health regime

Organized my paperwork and such

Deep cleaned various parts of the house (even the bathroom YUCK!)

Made a new chore/job list for Mckenzee and her allowance

We got 4 new fish, one betta, 2 mickey mouse platys, and a red wag platy
   (their names are "Princess Pinkheart", "Nemo", "Merida", and "Tony Shark")

I also started cutting out squares for my Spencer's quilt because I have a new sewing/quilting machine!

I was so excited to get this it is something I have always wanted, and now I can repair and make lots of things (once I get some fabric) and I cannot wait!

DJ and I had an awesome Valentine's Date! Dinner, Ferry ride, two grown adults having a kid-free blast at an arcade! Much needed fun!

This is us in a 3D Zombie Killing Game! It was awesome and scary and totally the best!

Oh and one of the best parts:

FRIED PICKLE CHIPS!!! These were so incredibly awesome! Of course DJ is not a pickle fan so I had these babies all to myself and I wanted to finish all of them because it just seemed like a shame to waste any of it but I was unable to...and because they would have been no good had I tried to bring them home since just the ferry ride alone is an hour long, I left some behind...sadness.

Valentine's Day Plans (looking forward to for once)

Now before you get all anti-Valentine's Day on me you have to understand that for the most of my adult life I have completely HATED this holiday! Out of all the years of which I have been a grown up only a handful of February 14ths have been worth remembering. I do remember some of the worst ones.  I was in court on one in 2003 because of a stupid misunderstanding with someone who shoplifted. (Not me) Another I was so sick I could barely move and ended up in the hospital.  Yet another one I was cheated on AND broken up with (within hours). So I can say that for once I am truly looking forward to it! 

DJ and I have made some plans to go out and have fun without the children.  We rarely go anywhere without them and I think the last "date night" we actually had was back in July after Andrew went back to CT to be with his dad. It was a pretty great night that really helped with how I had felt at that time. (Thank you DJ) 

Anyways, this time I am not depressed, I am not feeling lost, and the date night will hopefully go well! 

We have a babysitter set up, a plan for dinner for the kids, and then a ferry to catch to Seattle for OUR fun. 

On Friday since Mckenzee doesn't have school and DJ is off work we are going to spend ACTUAL Valentine's Day together doing perhaps a day trip or something fun as a family! That should be awesome and something new for us that I am thinking just might be one of those tradition things. Heck I don't mind doing the ADULT Valentine's date on the 13th and then a family one on the actual day. Oh and just to warn you who actually READ my blog....I will be posting pictures probably both on Facebook and here in my blog when I write up how the next two days go on probably either Friday or Saturday night! So you can feel free to skip over those posts and watch "The Notebook" instead! ....Which is probably what I would be doing if I were back in CT away from DJ or single, oh and I would probably be eating my favorite chick flick snack mix of Cool Ranch Doritos and peanut M&Ms. Of course even NOW I love that as a snack (some pregnancy cravings NEVER go away). 

Ok well I have a busy day tomorrow because I plan to get up early and shower before getting Mckenzee up for school and then DJ and I have some shopping to do (I am hoping to get a new outfit for our date!) and maybe even that thing I was talking about in my previous blog post (fingers crossed). So I must be thee all G'night and try not to miss me too too much! 

Until next time!!!!

Out with the Old, Now I got me some new!

So this is blog post one from my new laptop. To anyone who knows me this is probably a shock to hear but I am not usually a fan of laptops. Call me old fashion but I have a soft spot for desktop computers. I don't know why, maybe because it is just what I have always used, I have never owned one before but wherever I either lived or went I had some kind of access to one. Now however this is MY laptop, DJ has his own so I technically don't have to share. (I am a bad sharer, I can't share my blankets, my pillows, my stuffed frog) Don't judge you know you have at LEAST one stuffed animal hiding somewhere *wink wink*.  

I am also looking forward to getting something else I have wanted for a while and that will come in really handy for doing some homemade items for gifting and such.  However until I have it I am not going to be disclosing exactly what it is, though I am sure some of you can guess if you know me well enough. 

Oh and one of my most favorite new items!! A PRINTER! YES!! That's right I can finally print things out at home! Coupons, binder pages, Resumes, fun coloring pages for Mckenzee (and me), and other things I have come across here and there that I have wanted to print. I am so excited and it has inspired my organization and downsizing plans! I am well on my way to becoming a better person! Soon I will be working on my resumes and application letters so I can get a job and help out around here more.  I worry that DJ might think I am not doing enough no matter how much laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc. that I do!  I don't want him to regret me coming out here or be disappointed in me.  Although it is a possibility that I am projecting my own feelings of inadequacy into this but I don't know.  Honestly if I could have my own way I would find some way to get certified in child care I would do my best to find a way to start my own child care business.  It is something I have always wanted to do and I think I would be good at it. 

It is a dream......a BIG one, second only to taking my family to Disney Land once Spencer is old enough to enjoy it like his brother and sister will.  Well I just realized my thoughts have become a bit of a rambling of sorts so I am going to end this here for now. I am hoping to start a new fitness regime tomorrow and I am proud to say that I have been doing better with my eating habits!  I will let you know how it all goes soon.

Keep making it work!   

We Made It!

My Cookbook

So today we did our first home made projects!  I have been wanting to do some home made items for a while now but it always seems like time and supplies are never fully on hand.  HOWEVER, today I made sure I was fully prepped and ready to go....I had my recipes,

Our Supplies!

and my supplies, 

The Happy Helper

and my happy helper!


First Mckenzee and Spencer had their yummy lunch (which I am proud to say Mckenzee made all by herself) of a ham and cheese sandwich and chips for her, and roasted chicken, mickey mouse cheese faces, and apple juice for him. I myself am also proud of what I have since I am doing my best to eat a lot better.  I had a salad of chicken, cherry tomatoes, greens, Parmesan cheese, and Caesar dressing on the side. I also put a little black pepper on my salad which made me rarely even use the dressing so I was kinda glad of that. I had an ice water and a clementine to round out my lunch which was totally awesome!

Needless to say everyone ate it all up and we were ready in no time to get started!


First we started the finger paints I measured everything out and let Mckenzee add it to our pot on the stove. Here is the recipe I used :

Original Finger paint

Ingredients

1/2 cup cornstarch

3 Tbsp. sugar

1/2 tsp. salt

2 cups cold water

food coloring

Directions

In a medium pan, mix all the ingredients together to make the finger paint. Cook over low heat 10 to 15 minutes. Keep stirring the finger paint mixture until it is smooth and thick. After the finger paint has thickened take the pan off the stove and let the mixture cool.

After cooling, divide the finger paint into storage containers depending on how many colors you would like. Add a few drops of food coloring to each container. Stir the coloring in to the paint to determine the shade of color. You're ready to finger paint! Cover tightly when storing.

Find recipe and more at :: http://www.creativekidsathome.com/activities/activity_42.html#Original%20Fingerpaint

Stirring the pot!

 Mckenzee begged me to let her do some mixing so I did, she was very careful and had fun until her hand got too hot.

Mckenzee squeezing the syrup into her hot water int he jar.

While we were waiting for the paint to go from a thin liquid to the think consistency we needed we got started on the calming jars, one for Mckenzee and one for me!  This is the recipe we used to make our Calming Jars::

Mason jar or baby food jar.  Really, any kind of watertight jar will work.

added the food coloring...

Hot water

Food coloring

Glitter

Glitter glue

Karo/Corn Syrup

and glitter!

“Mix 1 Tbsp of pink glitter-glue with about 1 cup of hot water, fill jar the rest of the way with corn syrup,  then add food coloring and a tiny tub of glitter. The glue and corn syrup makes the water so thick and gooey that the glitter just slowly and gently swirls around, it takes about 5 minutes for all the glitter to settle, perfect to gather your thoughts!  - See more at: http://www.dumpyourfrump.com/2011/09/29/use-a-mind-jar-to-calm-yourself/#sthash.kmN3pGIJ.dpuf

Mckenzee had a little trouble making sure to get glitter in JUST the jar but hey she is a "sparkly" girl so why not let her sparkle right?   She also liked the way the layers didn't mix until we shook the jar! Once we glued the lid on (to keep a child from opening it and spilling it I would recommend doing this yourself) she shook the jar and couldn't stop smiling!

I put together my jar while Mckenzee washed up and once we cleaned up everything from our jars it was time to take our paint off the heat and let it cool.

Mckenzee used that time to get started on her Valentine's Day cards for her classmates, since she decided this year she wanted to make them instead of buying them! (I am very proud of her for wanting to make them all special and different) 

After she did some cards and I washed up the dishes and counters the paint mixture had cooled!  We were finally ready to put it in our jars and color it! 

We started with yellow since it was our lightest color and I armed Mckenzee with a disposable baby spoon (which was a perfect size for the baby food jars we were making the paint in) and some food coloring.  She had a blast watching the white paint turn into the colors and before we knew it we had a rainbow of colors in our little jars! 

She even wanted me to line them up as such so we could take a picture of them to show you! WE LOVE RAINBOWS around here! 

All in all we had a fun little crafty day and hope to do something fun again soon.  I have lots of fun ideas I just have to get the supplies to make! 

 These are our finished jars! Blue for her "Like the Ocean" she says, and green for me well because it is my FAVORITE color!!!

Our Finished paints and jars and the happiest little helper! 

More to come.......

Baby Steps (In more ways than one)

So in a few little ways there have been some changes in the house. First and the most exciting of them all is that my little boy Spencer, nine months old, is a walker! At first it was just a few steps here and there, but now as of this morning he is walking everywhere and even in socks, which was hard for him at first on the hard wood floors.

The next baby step taken was with my organization. I have been able to keep track of things a lot easier, I bought a binder (thank you Alicia for the idea), and have started getting rid of unneeded items and old things that make no sense to hold on to. OUT WITH THE OLD IN WITH THE NEW....(that is how it goes right?!)

I have even starting organizing Mckenzee's things, like her homework items and such, as well as her and her brothers' clothing. (I had NO idea just how much clothing they all had)
Mckenzee also gets these lists of words from her teacher for her to practice and make sentences out of most of which are actually too easy for her and others that are at a second grade level. Since I wanted to make it fun for her to practice these words I made her a word box. We take the lists of words, cut them up, and put them in the box. Then she takes to words out here and there and try to make a sentence out of them.  Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, but it is fun!
She is getting to be an excellent little reader!

Things are slowly coming together and I am sure that before I know it life will run a little smoother and be a little easier to manage!

....and we will all rest a little easier!! 

Mermaids, dancing, and Tacos

So this weekend I decided I was going to make sure I took some time to spend with each of the kids individually. I find that having more than one that are so far apart in age makes it difficult to spend time together doing something that pleases us all.  My daughter loves things like beading, bracelet making, Legos, and art.  My son likes to knock down block towers, try to walk, and drool. Beads are too small for him to use, bracelet making is too advanced, and Legos and art supplies instantly enter the mouth looking for the quickest way to his belly! So in order for me to be able to do these things with Mckenzee we usually wait until he takes one of his naps.  We have, during various naps, put together two out of three of her new Lego sets and done some painting and coloring.

Yesterday we did some necklace making using two of her new bead sets that she received for Christmas. She wanted to make one for her Gramma and I made one for her Memere and one for me. (I really loved an elephant charm that came in one of the sets and Mckenzee said I could have it.)
She was so cute putting the beads on and sounding out how to spell Gramma. She was even sure to pick the blue string because "That's Gramma's favorite color!"  She was very proud of her necklace and as soon as she finished it she said "okay now lets mail it to her!" (She is so sweet)

Our finished Necklaces

Today Mckenzee had a whole list of things she wanted to do, but we didn't get a chance to do them all. She wanted to:

1. Paint

2. Play with Play-doh

3. Color her giant princess posters

4. Dance

5. Make Tacos

6. Watch "The Little Mermaid"

Now I know these are all things she wanted to do because she used her new easel to make a list of all these things! A habit I think she picked up from me and my need to make lists on my dry erase board.

We did however get five out of the six items completed, and had a pretty good day doing so.  I may not have gotten my laundry all folded or the bedrooms vacuumed like I planned but I would have missed her dancing with her baby brother and making him a birthday cake out of play-doh if I had so it was completely worth it!

Great day....lots of happy!