Life Feels Different in 2022

 "Back to Normal....when will we be able to go BACK TO NORMAL?" I have heard so many people ask that question in this pandemic world we live in. 

I honestly think the answer to that question is very simple........NEVER! 

We will never be back to "normal" there is a new normal, a more chaotic version of life as we knew it. We have lost so much and gained so much at the same time. 

Many of us took up new hobbies and jobs when we lost the ones we had when the pandemic started. So, we have learned new things about ourselves and our ability to survive a change in our whole way of life. 

A lot of people are gone, passed away during this time, and many without their loved ones by their side. It has broken many and changed families in ways some people will never understand. 

Friendships were tested and some survived even the hardest of the time, but others did not and were broken up and lost. In a way, it is a good thing because you should keep people who build you up and are a positive and empowering gift, not ones that think it is ok to hurt those we love. Life can really change just the way it feels by the change in who you keep company with and share your life with. 

For me, the mother to three kids all at different stages of life, surviving the pandemic time and navigating a relationship, household, and the education of my children has been a severe test of my patience, my organization, and my multitasking abilities. 

I am a creature of habit and when this all started, having that habitual day schedule I had maintained for a while disrupted, well it kind of fucked with my mind and caused me to go into a bit of a panic mode. 

Now the time I took advantage of to clean and such around the house had to be spent making sure the kids were attending online virtual learning with several different teachers and printing out worksheets and making sure homework was turned in. 

Along the way, in the time I had for myself, I decided to really take stock of who I am and what I need in my life to be truly happy. I don't mean in the physical sense like trinkets and doodads that beep and such, but the qualities in my life and the hobbies that make me feel within my element. I had plenty of days that knocked the wind right out of me during the time when people I loved were lost along the way and I learned that life can change so quickly that you never really know how much time is left. So why the fuck not just do what adds joy to your life and find a way to make it work for you. See I am one of the lucky few who has a great support system to cheer me on and pick up the slack on the days I just cannot seem to pull it all on my own. 

I truly learned a lot about myself and who I am deep inside. I have learned to express my fears and my feelings whenever I needed help. I found ways to be more active and to really enjoy life.  I found my passions and started finding ways to ignite and keep the fires of my joy burning by incorporating them, into my life more and more each day. I have been learning so many new things like languages, artists, small business owners, and people who are like me and are working on both their physical and their spiritual journey through life be that however they so desire. 

All of this has changed me, has changed my family, has changed the entire world, and there is no NORMAL to our lives except whatever it is we do now and moving forward. Stop looking back, look forward, and make changes that will make you happy! Stop worrying about what is normal and know that however you are living your life IS NORMAL! 

As always, thanks for being here and reading my ramblings! Feel free to comment on something that changed in your life over the last few years. 

The Winds of Change

Well it is happening, we are going back to CT. My heart has been there since we left and it seems I couldn't be truly happy out here like I wanted to be. Mckenzee is happy about it, Spencer, well I don't think he has a clue, and DJ is the one disappointed in us wanting to go home.
He has worked so hard out here and tried to make us a life and I didn't make it easy on him. I know I probably could have tried harder but without Andy and without my friends and family I felt a little piece of my soul was missing.
I know it doesn't matter what I say because he is still not happy about it but I wish he knew that I WANTED our lives to work out here...I really did, but I am not happy. As much as I love him and all the things he has done for us it still doesn't take the ache of not being able to see my son everyday or any time I want, it doesn't give me my mom to go out to coffee with and to watch cheesy movies with my friends while we talk about our kids.

Now some may say I am selfish that if he is happy here then I should be happy because at least I am with him. Okay I understand that reasoning and if I had had a normal family filled life and didn't have a son I have to fly out here just to see once a year then maybe I would agree with you but that is not me.
I spent YEARS being alone, homeless, moving from city to city to find work, a place to sleep, someone who DIDN'T abuse me. I never got to have a great relationship with my mother until I was late into my 20s and it really just got good when I entered my 30s....I am now 34, and I miss my mother something terribly. I totally love the friends I have finally made so many years past the ones I made many years ago and lost track of or touch with until recently. For me it was just when things in my personal life were falling into place that I made the decision to leave it all behind for him and his decision. I had high hopes and I had no idea it would be so hard but should I continue to feel like I am hurt inside and truly missing out for this...maybe I should, maybe I AM selfish.
But this is what is happening...I am going home....I need to go home!

An Anxious Mama

Her suitcase is packed, her clothes set out for the morning and here I sit wondering if there is anything I may have forgotten. Like any mother would I am worrying about her flying to CT without me and her father. However this trip she is taking to her Grandma's house is going to be good for her. She will see her Memere, Grandma, Grandpa, her Aunts and Uncles, and possibly Andrew if the times sync up right. (insert the eyeroll at his bio-father being a bit of a jerk) I am just hoping she has a good time and comes back in one piece (small laugh) 

I just wanted to get this out, now I am going to finish the horror movie I foolishly put in before bed, and then crawl under my covers and hide like a sissy until I fall asleep!

Goodnight Blog-World! 

Feeling Like ...

I think there are a few things I have to do soon. Lately my head doesn't feel right and my body doesn't feel right. I am doing my best to ignore some of it but lately it is catching up with me. I think with everything I have been through the past few years I have never really grasped it all and felt it all the way I should. There is so much in my past that is haunting me and I know I have to find an outlet, a way to get it out of me and say goodbye to it all. I know that not all the hurt I feel will go away because things are not as ideal as I would like (Andy). I also know that it is not what holds me back in anyway. What holds me back is my regrets, my mistakes, my history and I need to move on for it. Otherwise it will eat me up from the inside out and that is not what makes my life any better. I know I have issues and I know that there are some things that I will never have (a father who cares) but I can't live with the feeling that I am not good enough from it, I cannot keep putting my self down and pushing myself because I will break some day if I keep it up.....that is all I have to say right now...guess I really just need a good (girl)friend to hang out with and here I don't have one...but maybe someday...

#BrokenDownMama

Four Days

It is only four days until my heart breaks a little and I pack up my Andy and send him back to his dad in Connecticut. He is going to be taking a little piece of my heart with him when he goes too because even though he can drive me bonkers and fights constantly with his sister, life is just not complete without him.

I hate that the justice system thought it was better that he stay behind and I only get him for one month....JUST ONE MONTH in the summer! I miss his birthday which is just a few weeks away (he turns ten), I miss Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, and Easter all because I wanted to pursue a better life for my family in another state. I really don't understand how they think that is fair in any way but there is nothing I can do about it right now....I lost the fight. A month just goes by way too fast! We spent most of it either having me work or packing/unpacking. There was no time, no money, just not enough of anything to make this the best I could....I just am not ready to let him go yet. (Not that I EVER am)

We have plans to celebrate his birthday/last day with us on Monday but because of all the last minute expenses we are unable to do exactly what we wanted. We are still hoping to do some of what we wanted but it is nothing like it could have been if things had been a little easier for us. I am still going to make the best of what I can and make him a yummy cake in his favorite flavors and colors! Hopefully I will be able to get him something as a gift but I don't know if I will be able to guess I have to wait and see how the bill paying goes.

In the long run I am just going to have to suck it up, send him back to CT and wait anxiously for next summer to come so I can hold him and kiss him and have him with me again. I am also doing my best to not let him know how much I am hurting because I don't want him to get upset but it is so hard. Guess I should be glad he can't see me at this moment because I can barely see what I am typing with the tears falling down my face....It is moments like these that make me wonder how any mother or father can give up a child or abandon or hurt one that they gave birth to...it hurts just to lose him for 11 months I couldn't imagine a lifetime....

I apologize for this being so sad and understand if you are upset now and I promise by next week to try and cheer up my posts but you are warned that any this week may be just as upsetting if not worse as his leaving nears and then arrives....I can't help it, I am a Mom and my baby is going away and I hurt.

Thank you for being a faithful reader and please leave a comment so I know someone out there understands or at least is reading :)

#MomsBrokenHeart