Being Scared of the World, While being a MOM!

Hi, if you are reading this that must mean the boredom and need to stay busy has gotten to you and you have stumbled across my wonderous blog. If that is the case then...WELCOME!!! If you are a follower or a fan thanks for sticking around during this crazy time in the world!

If any of you are like me then you are also a parent at home with kids that would normally be in school during the day so things may be a little out of whack for you! Well, guess what...

THAT IS OKAY!

The world is super crazy and scary right now and not having it all together is the kind of thing we all have in common right now. There are so many people who are trying their hardest to be teachers, improvisational cooks, keep the house in order and make sure that everyone is keeping up on their hygiene. It is hard, especially with so much fear and uncertainty in our futures. We need to stop pushing our selves to keep the same schedules and to-do lists and embrace the looser side of the days.

Are you someone who likes to make lists and cross off everything as you do it? Instead of making a new list each day, make one big list broken into three parts.

In this section, you want to write down the big things to get done before the month is over. This could be writing up your meal plan and shopping list for the following month, cleaning out a closet, reorganizing a room in your home, etc. These are items you can be a little lax on and leaves time for ...

In this section, you'll put things like laundry, changing bed sheets, cleaning out the refrigerator, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. These are things that you want to keep up on a little bit more for hygiene reasons and of course so you can keep up with what you may have stored behind that jar of jam or gallon of milk at the bottom of your fridge! (I know I myself am not a fan of finding that leftover pot roast or chicken soup several weeks later when it has developed it's own islands of mold and bacteria residents lol)

This is the section that will change the most and if you use a whiteboard like I do that makes it much easier to change when you need to. Right now I have small boards for the kids to put their personal to-do lists on and one large one in the kitchen we use for the menu of the day and most other notes. Here you can put things like, work on schoolwork, dishes, prep meals, bake something, and if you want to do smaller lists for the kids and designate a set time for the lists to be checked off, then you can put things like, make beds, get dressed, brush teeth, set table, pick up toys, read two books, etc. Make them quick chores and tasks so that there is still time to be together and reassure them that together you can get through this time.


I am still working on my board for the next month as this one is pretty much over. I will post that picture with my blog post on Tuesday to bring us into April. Tune in then to see how I played it out and use some of your own creativity and I would love to see yours!

Now comes my biggest TIP/SECRET/IDEA THAT WORKS FOR ME:

Take one day and do NOT make a list for that day. Take that day off, spend it with the kids doing fun stuff they choose to do, let them pick dinner that day, make a fun snack, stay in pj's and cuddle watching movies on Disney+, Hulu, Netflix or any other streaming service you might have.

**side note, I will be making a post about some fun shows and movies I discovered when I ran out of things on the DVR to watch** Should be fun! 

But anyway, take a day to just have fun and try to enjoy the togetherness you can get with your family that life usually doesn't give us a moment for like we would like. It is ok to be afraid of what's to come and what has already happened. It is ok to feel overwhelmed and like you cannot seem to stay on track. DO NOT be hard on yourself. (trust me I know from first-hand experience this does NOT help anything lol) be kind to yourselves and others. We need kindness more than anything right now in the world. I hope this helps you a little bit or at least gives you something new to try to keep some of the sanity at this time.

See you again soon! Keep reading and we will keep living! <3 

No I don't want to talk.....I want to create!

For so many years I would take my feelings and put them into works of art.
Sometimes a poem or a story,
Sometimes a painting or sketch, but lately it seems I cannot express myself ANYWHERE!

My drawings are without depth, my stories lack flow; I haven't attempted painting because I just do not want to ruin a canvas with something I am not 100% into.

I am figuring that it must be something to do with my heart just not being in it lately. It seems that I need to just step back and take a look at what I really need to do and let the small stuff just sweat away.  I am not sleeping well, I am constantly tossing and turning because I am worried about something or just having bad dreams about stuff I haven't had dreams about for years. I don't even want to eat lately, just drink water, tea, or whatever else I have to stay hydrated. I know I have to eat and I do but the thrill I used to have with cooking and create great meals is missing. Hopefully a good night's rest will help.

Maybe I just need a break, a vacation from adulting so I can have some fun. I don't know, all I know is I want to be able to express myself without fear, without regret, without ruining the "canvas".

I hope it comes back soon....I miss it! :)

Losing Myself

You ever have a few days where it seems like things are going great, like you are making all the right decisions, like the sun is shining just for you?

Yeah today is NOT one of those days. I am depressed, I have been for a while lately and I have been trying not to let it affect everything but it seems I have no choice in the matter. I am miserable out here. I miss my family, I miss my son, I miss my friends. I think the novelty of making the move and trying new things and trying to make it out here has worn off and I realized that at my age I just want the familiar and trying to make new friends and even take a moment for myself is too hard to do without people who know me.

I also worry that any day something could happen to my grandparents, my aunt or uncle, or some other family member and I won’t be able to get home to say goodbye in time. I would never forgive myself if that happened, especially if it was my grandparents or mother. Also what would I do if something serious happened to Andrew, that is my child, my first born, I couldn’t handle it if something awful happened to him and I couldn’t be with him.  I know DJ gets on my case about fighting for more time, for more of the summer at the least but he doesn’t seem to understand I would still have to say goodbye to him for a long time. I would still be without him through the holidays and his birthday. It would cost too much to fly him out here for the holidays (especially since rates are higher then). To pay $500+ dollars for the summer and then do it again in the winter with rates around $700 would mean spending $1200 just to see him for 6-10 weeks maybe total, if that. That would be $200 a week just to visit with my own child! It is not that it isn’t worth it, just that it is not something we can afford. I hate how much my heart breaks as he walks down to his plane and waves his goodbyes. I hate how I am left there crying alone for a child I love so much and I made the choice to move out here and now have to live without him for 11 months out of the year. It didn’t know it was going to be this hard. I at least thought I would not hurt as much after the first time but I was wrong. It seems to hurt more and more each time, like cutting scarred skin and making it bleed again, over and over. With him getting older it is harder to live without him. I want to be there to experience his life before he is too old to want me in it any more. I don’t think that is too much to ask. If it was DJ who was going through what I am going through I would do whatever he wanted to as long as it made him happy.  I moved out here for him, not for me, not for our kids, but for him. I left everything behind and thought it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. It is a very big deal and I want to go home. That doesn’t mean I want to go back into our old habits, or I want to live the same lives we had. I just want to be closer to my family, I want to be closer to my friends. I want to make our life where our kids will be able to know who their family is and if we can make it work out here, we can make it work anywhere.

I know he is mad at me for this. I know he may even resent me deep down, but I can’t do this anymore. I actually contemplated suicide the other night because I was so depressed and tired of hurting on the inside. It isn’t his fault, I understand that out here he feels free and proud of himself but I don’t, I feel lost and alone.

I wish he would understand, I wish he would just for a moment put himself in my shoes. I had a hard time saying goodbye, so hard that my heart broke into pieces when my mother hugged me. I held it together but still. I am the queen of not letting it show and doing my best to keep others happy and I just cannot do it anymore. I think it is slowly killing me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I want to go home, I DON’T want DJ to hate me.  I just want to stop the hurting. 

Not feeling well...

Not really sure what it is....I feel achy, sick to my stomach, and super emotional. I just want to sleep for a week and a half. I am beginning to think it is no longer stress and maybe just maybe one of my chronic illnesses is coming back and making me feel like total crud. It was only a couple of years ago that I had to have surgery done because of excess bleeding that would last weeks at a time and cause cramping and extreme fatigue. Just a few years before that I had to have breast surgery because of a chronic inflammation that would cause extreme pain, swelling, redness, and needed it needed to be cut open and drained and I was told that I may need to have it done again. I am currently having some spotting issues (though I was "visited just a week and a half ago) and I am swelling and red on my breast again. I honestly can say I do not have time to get sick and need anything important done. I have just been offered that new job and could start anytime once I have completed all the pre-work tasks for the position. 

I am so tired.....I am going to leave you with something to think about so that this whole post isn't a total complaint :) 

#MamaIsWorried #Bedtime 

Hard to stay standing, when again I have fallen....

This morning I woke up and was tired, I had worked a new shift at work yesterday, had trouble sleeping last night and was not entirely ready to greet my alarm at 2:15am with a smile. Still I got up, ate my Special K and headed to work ready to bust my butt for that paycheck like I do everytime I go in! 

Little did I know that my day was about to take a turn for the worst not even an hour into my shift...Apparently today marked the 90th day of being an employee and it was once again review time. As my name was called to the front office and I was leaving my area of work I looked at my supervisor and said uh oh, he laughed and said not to worry it was probably just my review and I'd be back to finish up my work in no time....WELL he was wrong and he had no idea how wrong, I was terminated. 

The reasons were:

I called out twice during my time there (yet if I had gone to work sick I would have gotten in trouble) and....I wasn't a fast enough worker (even though I worked faster than a girl who had been there for 3 years) 

I was devastated, hell I still am! When I was told that I would not even be finishing my shift and to turn in my badge and employee card my heart broke and it took everything in my power not to cry right there in front of my boss....but I held it together as I gave her what she needed and held my head high until I was back at my car...but then I was taken over with my emotion and I sat in my car for about ten minutes crying my eyes out before finally making the 1/2 hour drive home.  As soon as I got home I looked around at the dark house and checked on the kids to make sure they were still asleep (as it was only 5:30am) then I grabbed my laptop, flipped on my DVR and started job searching. By the time the kids woke up at 7:00am I had found about 6 jobs to apply to and had completed the process (including questionnaires and such) of three of the places! I have a few more to do as well as checking out some new leads that I found today when talking to others in the area, but I am too tired to attempt that right now since I have been up since 2am. 

One of the parts that really stings is that I was FINALLY making some friends, people that maybe I could be social with outside of work and now....that is over since I have no way of communicating with them and I was not allowed back on the floor to say goodbye to them before being locked out of the building...the only chance I really have of seeing them again is when I get my check on Friday next week but that is a slim chance as it is not a day they usually work. 

Time to start over again and hope for the best, I am also going to work on losing the weight I have been wanting to lose and getting the help with my unshakeable depression that seems to be looming over me in a bubble of grayness. (I am beginning to think I have a chemical imbalance.) It is just hard for me to feel positive after this setback, especially when this job was my first after ten years of stay at home mom status...It makes me feel like I have failed...but I think finding some help with get me through that. Here is hoping.

May tomorrow be a new day! A better day! 

#MamaHurts #NewFocus