School Supplies and Readiness

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I took a look at the calendar this morning and had the panic attack moment of realizing school starts in just four short weeks.  Thankfully some of her supplies from last year are in good shape and she can use them again this year, so that should save us some money. She also wants to use a bag my mother gave her as a school bag and that is more money saved.  It seems every year in school it is more and more money to spend on supplies, I think I need to find a way to get coupons or stock up over the year so that when school starts I have most of what she needs already saved up and read to pack in.  She is very excited to be starting the THIRD GRADE (though I wish time would slow down some). She will also be starting her last year as a Brownie in Girl Scouts (next year she will be a Junior) so she is super excited about that. When she went on vacation in CT/RI my mother sewed all her patches from this year on her vest and it looks awesome! All her family is very proud of her accomplishments in Scouting the last year! As am I! It is amazing all the new things she is willing to do now that she has been introduced to Girl Scouts, she has matured and done things she was once afraid to.

Her older brother starts the SIXTH GRADE soon and it drives me nuts to know that he is almost 11 years old already! How can so many years have gone by when it seems just yesterday I was teaching him how to walk and eat with a spoon?! Where does the time go.

Then there is Spencer! He is so smart and talks to well that unless he is upset I can understand just about everything he says.  I am thinking since he loves books and seems to have a knack for remembering things, I am going to start small and begin teaching him his letters/numbers/colors/and shapes so that he is more than ready when the time for him to start school comes about. (That day will be tough as I am pretty sure he is my last baby). I love to watch them grow but it drives me nuts that they seem to do it at a break-neck speed. I blink and suddenly they are all grown up and don't need me as much any more...it is a little heart-breaking but smile inducing.  WATCHING CHILDREN GROW IS AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER!

That is all for today, as I make the mad rush to Payless and Walmart to find all my last minute supplies I hope you are all doing the same and that I run into you soon! ;)

The Winds of Change

Well it is happening, we are going back to CT. My heart has been there since we left and it seems I couldn't be truly happy out here like I wanted to be. Mckenzee is happy about it, Spencer, well I don't think he has a clue, and DJ is the one disappointed in us wanting to go home.
He has worked so hard out here and tried to make us a life and I didn't make it easy on him. I know I probably could have tried harder but without Andy and without my friends and family I felt a little piece of my soul was missing.
I know it doesn't matter what I say because he is still not happy about it but I wish he knew that I WANTED our lives to work out here...I really did, but I am not happy. As much as I love him and all the things he has done for us it still doesn't take the ache of not being able to see my son everyday or any time I want, it doesn't give me my mom to go out to coffee with and to watch cheesy movies with my friends while we talk about our kids.

Now some may say I am selfish that if he is happy here then I should be happy because at least I am with him. Okay I understand that reasoning and if I had had a normal family filled life and didn't have a son I have to fly out here just to see once a year then maybe I would agree with you but that is not me.
I spent YEARS being alone, homeless, moving from city to city to find work, a place to sleep, someone who DIDN'T abuse me. I never got to have a great relationship with my mother until I was late into my 20s and it really just got good when I entered my 30s....I am now 34, and I miss my mother something terribly. I totally love the friends I have finally made so many years past the ones I made many years ago and lost track of or touch with until recently. For me it was just when things in my personal life were falling into place that I made the decision to leave it all behind for him and his decision. I had high hopes and I had no idea it would be so hard but should I continue to feel like I am hurt inside and truly missing out for this...maybe I should, maybe I AM selfish.
But this is what is happening...I am going home....I need to go home!

Spencer and Me

Ever since Miss Mckenzee has gone off to CT/RI to visit her family it has been just Spencer and me during the day while Daddy works. I have to say it has been quite a bit of fun. 

We have watched all kinds of old cartoons, fun movies, had some dance parties, built "super" castles with his Mega Blocks, played games and even played hide and seek a few times (he is not very good at it yet).

He is so smart and talks to much now that it amazes me all the time. When you hand something to him and he says "Thank you so much!" my heart melts. Just this morning he surprised me with a fishy kiss out of the blue. He just grabbed my face and kissed me! I loved it, it was so darn adorable! 

I am so happy about all the time we have had one on one and I am hoping to make sure I continue to carve out some time for him even when his sister returns because I don't want to miss any moments of fun!

Whirlwind Heart

So many emotions going on with me right now. 

Part of it could be that I am watching The Color Purple   which is one of those movies where you end up truly invested in the character, part of it could be the fact that two of my little ones are not here with me right now, or it could be that today is the nine year anniversary of my first date with DJ and I keep thinking about that night and how wonderful it was.

Only part of my emotions are sad. Forget the movie part because that is fleeting but my small sadness is because I miss the little ones so much. I have been able to have a lot more one on one with Spencer which is cool because he is growing up so fast and I hate missing any of it. He is so smart and funny I love him so much.

As anyone who reads along knows Andrew has returned to CT for his time with his father, as he does every summer. I always miss him, and this year his sister, my little Mckenzee, has gone to CT/RI for 10 days to visit family and spend some time at the beach! 

Mckenzee spent the first few days out there with my mom (her Memere) and they had a blast together. My mom told me they went to the Book Barn and visited the Princess Pond, had some BBQ and went to Hopeville Pond. My mom made sure that there were some awesome pictures of them all together were taken so I could see them all again! It was cool. 

Now Mckenzee is with DJs mom (her Gramma) spending time with his family (and Andy for a few days) at Misquamicut. She is there for the week and having lots of fun in the sun (hopefully while sun blocked). I have a feeling she is going to come back tanner than most people who live out here, and certainly more tan than me. She was already tanned when she got back from her weeks at camp. I am hoping she is doing a lot of swimming and having lots of fun. I am so worried about her and I miss her so much I am not used to having her gone this long. 

On the happier side, I have been able to get some writing done now that I have a goal and a writing buddy (THANK YOU KELLY) I am able to keep on track better now. I am also trying to get my art back on par but that is going rougher than I thought it would with the pain in my hands and my lack of inspiration lately.

 I am hoping in the long run I can get most of my book done within the year and some decent artwork that I am proud of. I think my heart will eventually give me something to work with. At least I hope it will. 

That is all for now, keep reading on. 

#MommysHeart